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President George W. Bush Takes On the Zimbabwe Crisis
WITH INTERPOLATED BONUS: |
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Note From Our Editor: Hi there. I wanted to touch base with you. And tell you something about this page about Zimbabwe. It's this: that we refuse to research anything about Zimbabwe, that is, concerning actual facts about the place. Frankly, the whole subject sounds dreadfully boring. But on Yahoo! recently we saw that Zimbabwe farmers were having some kind of big "to do." So this feature isn't likely to address any actual facts that a person could use for a decent third grade theme paper. But for about 10 minutes it struck us as kind of funny. Now we long for those fleeting minutes. OK....heh heh...picture this: PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH (after taking office) faces the lingering Zimbabwe farmer crisis (or whatever it is). And he has the Chieftain of that distant land visit him at the Oval Office. That's about it for that. The bonus feature on this page has to do with God taking my dog to heaven, or so they say. |
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GREETINGS
TO This way of shaking hands is seen as an insult by the Chieftain. He perceives that President Bush doesn't want to touch him. This is true. The man is virtually naked, except for a pure blue loincloth and hat. And he's been scratching, and not just under his hat. And it's a hot, sweaty day in Washington. |
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NOW The Zimbabwegian way is to retaliate immediately and forcefully against even the most trivial and innocent slight. These representatives of the irate Chieftain marched into the Oval Office with their kettle and log. They carry their kettle and log everywhere, just in case they need to boil up a quick meal. |
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A President Bush perhaps overcompensates for his slight against the Chieftain. Now he'll not only touch him, but suggests a game of piggyback around the office, the closest contact known to man, excluding a casual meeting of the Log Cabin Republicans. It's all quite familiar. Plus, it's a hot, sweaty day, remember. You climb on the back of a nearly naked man from Zimbabwe and see how you feel later! That pure blue loincloth isn't exactly a sanitary napkin! |
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BONUS! There's still one panel of President Bush and the Zimbabwe Chieftain to present. But first, The Bonus Feature mentioned above. . .
GOD
TAKES MY DOG TO HEAVEN, OR SO THEY SAY That week started out OK. But it didn't end very well at all. Unless you think having your dog die is a good way to end a week! What happened exactly? Exactly, I don't know. She was well enough one minute. A few worms, I knew about those, but it looked like she was passing them pretty well. And there was enough mange on her hindquarters to eat away 1/16 of her coat. But nothing more was wrong, it seemed. Then when I took the table scraps out for her I called as I did usually: "Spoochie! Here, Spooch!" Hmm, it's not like her to sleep when I bring out food, I thought. Those were my exact thoughts, along with that undefinable weird, kaleidoscopic swirl of panic that strikes you when obvious conclusions are rushing into your brain. I looked for movement in the chain, but none. I hoped against hope that maybe she was somehow loose and would come running around the garage. But link-after-link of chain lead my eye past the garage's loincloth into her little house to her dead form, stiff as a board, with not even an involuntary muscle twitch to give me one last flickering hope. Naturally I forgot the cursed bowl of table scraps in my hand. Table scraps aren't good enough for a queen! I thought. My arms went limp and the bowl fell at my feel, some of the gravy splashing up on my pantleg. But I didn't care! What's it matter if your pants are clean at a time like this?
I went inside and with pathetic sobs shared the terrible news. My family was very shocked too, and with kind words and caresses tried to soothe my depair. She's gone home to be with the Lord... my baby sister said. (The most religiously fanatical four-year-old I've ever known.) All dogs go to heaven, chimed in one other helpful voice. Then Grandpa told me, God doesn't make mistakes. Then Grandpa told me, If God had a reason for taking her, something good will come from it. Then Grandpa told me, You'll see her again...in heaven. Then Grandpa started to tell me something else, and I nodded at him and put my finger to my lips. From his eyes I could tell he understood what I was saying: Your wisdom is deep but somewhat cliché-ridden. OK, anyone can tell from this that most of my family's responses were of a spiritual nature. Through my tears I nodded and believed it; I took their comfort. The preacher came by and said, "God broke your heart to prove to you that He only takes the best." That helped for a time. But my anger (not something I like to admit) was growing. So, how shall I put this? I'd had a heck of a week. Here were some of my thoughts: WHAT KIND OF GOD WOULD TAKE AWAY A KID'S DOG? I MEAN, JUST LIKE THAT! HOW COULD GOD ALLOW MY DOG TO HAVE THE MANGE? CAN'T GOD CONTROL THE WORMS HE HIMSELF CREATED? SHOULD A KID FIND HIS DOG DEAD WITHOUT WARNING? I JUST GOT DONE PRAYING, FOR CRYING OUTLOUD, COULDN'T GOD HAVE AT LEAST HAVE GIVEN ME ONE LAST CHANCE TO PET MY DOG ALIVE? HAS LIFE BEEN CHECKED BY OSHA TO MAKE SURE IT'S SAFE ENOUGH TO LIVE? I NEEDED HELP! I SHOOK MY FIST AT HEAVEN! MY DOG'S DEAD!
GOD
TOOK HER AWAY!
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Now for the last panel of the previous feature. . . When we last left President Bush and the Zimbabwe Chieftain, the President was enjoying a piggyback ride atop his African counterpart. Which on a hot and sweaty day would be heck on a suit. Especially when pressed up against a nearly naked man's sweaty back.
REAL President Bush perhaps overcompensates for his slight against the Chieftain yet some more. Now he and the Chieftain have exchanged clothes and the President does a strange dance for the Chieftain's amusement. This is a hot and sweaty day. Can you imagine what this must be like, going all herky-jerky in a solid blue sweaty loincloth that the Chieftain has been wearing? |
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I
can barely see through my eye-filling tears,
Give
Zimbabwe back to the Zimbabwegians.
©2000
NegativeSpin.com
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