On the Trail of George W. Bush's Brain

On the Trail of George W. Bush's Brain

Nope, just another false lead...

The bad news remains the same: Mr. Bush's brain is still missing. Each day brings a deepening national despair. And each day brings a fresh batch of crank calls reporting new sightings, with possibly a true lead somewhere in the mix...but where?

It was in our recent interview with the brain, when it threw several tantrums, that it was positively seen for the last time. But since then there have been some fairly credible reports, apparently some very close calls, yet nothing has panned out.

Authorities are still working on the basic theory of "It's gotta be someplace." But one big fear, usually unspoken, is that the brain met with foul play or perhaps has been consumed by someone or something, perhaps a large bird or a farm animal or some other kind of beast.

But as long as the $5,000 reward remains on the table, we refuse to entertain any of those dreadful possibilities. We'll continue to look.

As for the Bush campaign, they press on, firmly believing that the brain will realize what it must do and return home. The worst case scenario that they've admitted to is that Inauguration Day will come and they'll have to play a recorded campaign speech as the inaugural address while physically moving Mr. Bush's limp body for the appropriate gestures. The good news on that front, however, is that they have a couple of remaining debates in which to practice.

We're keeping our fingers crossed, and our eyes are open. May that day never come! And may that reward money be ours!

POSSIBLE SIGHTINGS AND RUMORS ABOUND!
The common thread appears to be a slimy red trail and a distinctive green glow!

Myrtle Paulson of Des Moines left her car door open for just a few minutes. When she came back, she noticed a small black ladder. Then she noticed something very very odd: a slimy red trail and a distinctive green glow.

Because she herself had troubles examining the car, she went to get help. But when she returned, the ladder was gone and only the slimy residue remained. Whether the brain had actually been there is still unknown.

The real fear that perhaps the brain was consumed by someone set in about this time.

One of the oddest sightings was at the edge of town. There we find a "Jesus Is Coming" sign. It's usually a beautiful sight for people coming into town. But now it has another reason to be noticed: the possibility that the brain came this way!

Those on the scene report something very very odd: a slimy red trail and a distinctive green glow, leading up the edge of the sign, over the top, then up into the air at about a 45 degree angle!

The real fear that the brain was consumed by a large bird set in about this time.

There were big hopes for fame and a reward when Jim Albright looked out his bedroom window one morning. He saw the countryside, he saw his livestock, and he saw his tractor, all normal. But then he saw something very very odd: a slimy red trail and a distinctive green glow, cutting across the yard and leading straight into his barn!

The brain wasn't found, however. The real fear that it was perhaps consumed by a farm animal set in about this time.

The last sighting we want to mention was also at the edge of town. The circus was set up, preparing to entertain the townsfolk. The joy of opening day was at hand, when they noticed something very very odd: a slimy red trail and a distinctive green glow. It came across a field and went right into the midst of the circus!

Upon further examination, once again the brain could not be discovered anywhere. The real fear that it was perhaps consumed by a circus animal set in about this time.

CONFIDENTIAL TO THE BRAIN: Please contact us. We will not send you back against your will. You know you can trust us. We hope that nothing has consumed you. We won't consume you. You have our address; please write!