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SEE
TOILET PAPER'S FIRST APPEARANCE! |
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GEORGE
W.
BUSH
FOR PRESIDENT!
When George W. Bush picked Dick Cheney as his running mate, it seemed the former Secretary of Defense was an excellent choice. Afterall, Cheney was the head of the search committee, therefore who would know better of his qualifications than he himself?
So the calls came from top Republican party officials: "Dump Cheney!" Of course George W. Bush resisted as long as he could, even pronouncing his support of Cheney as being "1000 percentable." As it turned out, though, Bush had to hearken to his party and find someone more interesting to fill the Number 2 hole. Gov. Bush picked up the phone, and put out the call to someone still relatively unknown as a political talent, but someone whose main job all these years has involved "Number 2": TOILET PAPER!
And didn't McGovern show how devastating it could be to your credibility to switch? Governor Bush continued thinking: But neither my father nor Senator McGovern knew about Toilet Paper. And he could be just the one for a messy job like this.
— Toilet Paper is also better than Dick Cheney because of his service in Vietnam, serving latrine duty from the time the war began until it ended. Richard Nixon declared the war over, but it was Toilet Paper who reminded us that no job is done till the paperwork's finished! — Toilet Paper, like Dick Cheney, knows an asshole when he sees one, but the advantage is with T.P. because of his years of experience in close, even intimate contact with them. Well, we might have to rethink that. — Toilet Paper is the only candidate who has so many great adjectives applied to him: Soft 'n Gentle, Squeezably Soft, Oh So Fluffy, 2-Ply. Cheney basically had one word to describe him: borrrrrrring. Look, Dan Quayle added one "E" to "potato." But it was in the 2000 campaign that the word "boring" officially went from having just one "R" to seven, all because of Dick Cheney! — Plus, Toilet Paper inspires more dynamic, interesting slogans for the campaign. Such as "We're On A Roll!", "Let's Clean Up Washington!", "I'll Go The Distance For You!", "A Running Mate Who Knows About the Runs!", "He's Gone Where Few Heterosexuals Have Gone Before!" and of course, "It's A Dirty Job But Somebody's Gotta Do It!"
Governor Bush is seen here with his exciting new running mate. The crowds press in on Toilet Paper, but he always bounces back. They just love it how soft he is, and yet how strong and durable! (Little-known Fact: Toilet Paper is Brawny's second cousin.) And just as Vice President Al Gore was energized by his selection of Sen. Joseph Lieberman, so is George W. Bush now that Toilet Paper has come on board. The crowds stayed home when it was just that borrrrrrring old Dick Cheney, but everybody's out now, everybody wants to get a piece of Toilet Paper! Remember Governor Bush's great comment when Toilet Paper was pulled from obscurity and thrust into the national spotlight: "We're gonna wipe out Al Gore!"
Yes, Toilet Paper is the candidate who will give all he's got to give. And just when it looks like he's down to the last little bit and there's nothing left, remember, he comes in 4-packs, 8-packs, and if you visit Sam's Club you can take home the giant economy 300-pack. Toilet Paper will be the vice president who will never let us down. He promises a clean campaign as well as a clean administration. And who could be more quintessentially American than Toilet Paper? He's better than Lincoln, in that he wasn't even born in a Log Cabin. This boy came from the humble outhouse... Lincoln read books by firelight. Toilet Paper had nothing but the bathroom wall, maybe the Reader's Digest, and oftentimes nothing but total darkness. Lincoln was called a railsplitter. Toilet Paper had a different split to deal with. Lincoln said "A house divided against itself cannot stand." Toilet Paper says, "I've divided everyone in the house while they sat." So, you be the judge, if Toilet Paper is better than President Lincoln, is there any doubt that Dick Cheney was no good? Look at it this way: When Dick Cheney had to go, Toilet Paper was right there at hand.
"From
the Outhouse to the White House!"
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George W. Bush says,
©2000 NegativeSpin.com
"I want to restore honor and
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This
is something nobody could have ever expected!
But
then, with the strain and grind of the campaign, and the inevitable
controversies and second-guessings, the Cheney pick started losing
some of its lustre. It was said he was stiff and boring, even Cheneyesque.
The
governor knew Cheney had to go, but still he wondered what the big
deal was all about. Was Toilet Paper really more interesting than
Cheney? What would it mean to the campaign, to the voters' confidence
in Bush for having foolishly chosen Cheney in the first place?
Wouldn't it maybe be better just to go with your first choice, even
though it was so obviously ignorant? Isn't that what George Bush (the
first) had done with Dan Quayle?
