Never Heard From Again
The Sad Story of Jimmy Carter

When a little known governor from a little known state in a little known country (although the earth itself is fairly well known) came on the scene, the common question on people's lips was "Jimmy Who?" That question was asked concerning Jimmy Carter of course when he set out on his successful quest to be President.

He spent his four years in the spotlight, then, as President. It's a given that the President will receive lots of attention, because he is directly responsible for policies that impact not only our nation but the world. Add to it the fact that this was during the years of the Cold War and nuclear tensions were still a reality of daily life. No one had to wonder "Jimmy Who?" any longer, because we all knew Who he was!

But with the election of 1980 and with Ronald Reagan becoming President, Mr. Carter left the scene. Years then passed, day after day went by, days became weeks, weeks became months, and months of course years, which we've already stated "then passed." And various things came and went from the scene: Cabbage Patch Kids, Milli Vanilli, Culture Club, ColecoVision, and on and on. In time, George Bush became President, then Bill Clinton. As we look back, one fact is amazing, actually striking: Jimmy Carter was never heard from again! It's like he simply vanished, or fell off the edge of the earth (which we know is a physical impossibility.)

His defeat in 1980 was it for his fame, although rumors have persisted for years that he's a lonely wino somewhere on the streets of California. Whether this is true or not, it's indisputable that somewhere there's an angry old man, probably challenging his fellow bar patrons to broken-bottle fights when they don't believe who he says he once was. And no doubt that's the way this pathetic man will die, in lonely obscurity, rejected by a nation, by his family, and, it would seem, by his God.

The question "Jimmy Who?" is once again a valid question. And that question stands as a warning to every man who would seek the highest office in the land. And a warning to every person everywhere who is simply alive. One bad break and you're history: and even in history...you're dejected and forgotten!

When 1000% Wasn't Enough
The Sad Story of Thomas Eagleton

The sad story of Thomas Eagleton is a story with many lessons, all of them worth their weight in Zig Ziglar seminars. His is the story, however, of one great lesson that every man who would seek the highest office in the land (or the number two spot) should learn: If you need help, for God's sake don't get it!

It was 1972, a time now distant, a time remote. The issues of that day are not the issues of this day. On the streets there was a fervent fomenting of feverish philosophical fanaticism. Brother clashed with brother, and sister with sister, mother stood against mother, and fathers just wrung their hands and cried. (Which got Edmund Muskie in trouble, but that's a story for another day.) All this standing against one another had to do with the terrible war in Vietnam and the differences of opinion between "the rednecks" and "the freaks." There was a pervasive cloud of smoke in the air, as "the heads" clung to the last far-out vestiges of the '60s, oblivious to the contention that ranged all around their heads.

One might think that in this time of "if it feels good, do it" that Thomas Eagleton would be OK. In the language of the time, his personal situation was "heavy," but it was clearly "his own trip." And he wanted to do something to make himself feel better, and so he did. That's cool.

But it turned out to be very uncool. To refresh our collective memory, Sen. Thomas Eagleton from Missouri was the Democratic nominee George McGovern's choice to be his vice presidential running mate. The decision was barely an breath away from McGovern's lips, however, when the whole terrible history came out: Eagleton had had psychiatric treatment of some sort, maybe shock therapy, possibly a tattoo of Freud on his chest. Could he possibly be Vice President with such a history? At first McGovern said he would stand behind his nominee 1000%.

Now 1000% is pretty definite! 100% would seem to be plenty, really as much as a person might realistically expect. 200% would be twice as good, yet in truth would be an unnecessary overrun, excessive. 500% would be more of an overrun yet, but would say something profound of McGovern's devotion and of his resolve. In the range of 600-999% you're actually saying very little that 500% doesn't already suggest. So the only logical alternative is to up the 500% ante double, which simple arithmetic tells us equals 1000%! How would you like to have a 1000% profit on something? 1000% would be enough! But it wasn't. Instead, the fervor over Eagleton was such that he was gone, suddenly a potential bar-patron for the lonely streets of California. Then McGovern cast here and there, and there and here, and finally got a replacement nominee, as though it made a difference now...

Psychiatric treatment, shock therapy, tattoos? Dangerous things! So take this for a lesson: It's better to suffer than to get help, especially if you want to be in a position of public trust and leadership.

Always Avoid the Major Gaffe
The Sad Story of Gerald Ford & Others

One word no politician ever wants to be associated with his or her name is "gaffe." According to Webster, a gaffe is a noun. As well as being a noun, it has a definition: "a social blunder." To study it out further, "a" is "an indefinite article used as a function word before singular nouns when the referent is unspecified," "social" is an adjective referring to "cooperative and interdependent relationships with one's fellows," and "blunder" is another noun, this one meaning "a gross error or mistake resulting usually from stupidity, ignorance, or carelessness." So if we put it all together we come out with this: words or utterances that are dumb. Or quaylesque, which needs no explanation.

When a politician lets a gaffe, there's usually a stink. Politicians make a gaffe is the way it's usually said. Some gaffes are bigger than others, and some are remembered more than others.

The factors that determine the size of the gaffe and hence its longevity in the public arena are several. Two big factors are: how important is the person speaking and what is at stake. If the person is not all that important, say a governor or a congressman, this person can say all kinds of ignorant things and nobody really cares (such as with Jesse Ventura or Bob Barr.) Then if there is very little at stake, the gaffe is not magnified and set forth in the public discourse with the same determination and vigor. As an example, Lamar Alexander could be going door-to-door in Tennessee right this minute claiming that he invented the internet and the plaid shirt and no one would care. But when Al Gore says it, with so much at stake, it makes the news.

Gaffes have been an interesting phenomenon in the last 35 years or so. George Romney said he was "brainwashed," when the correct word would have been "braindead." He was gone. Then there was a great mistake, a gaffe from Gerald Ford in the '76 debate about Poland and Soviet influence there. Michael Dukakis expressed understanding and congeniality toward a hypothetical thug raping and dismembering his family and selling their body parts on the black market, and that was a gaffe of sorts. And some gaffes are in not words only but are images: Dukakis again, in the tank, looking something like the cross between a dork and a geek; or Richard Nixon with 10 o'clock shadow; or George Bush looking at his watch during the debate; Bill Clinton was busy feeling people's pain, but Bush was worried about whether it was bedtime! Dan Quayle's greatest gaffe was the glassy, empty look in his eyes when debating Lloyd Bentzen.

Let this little article on gaffes be a lesson to you, Presidential Candidates. It's better to stand like a fence post and say nothing than it is to open your mouth and risk a possible gaffe. It's better to hide in the coat closet of the convention center than it is to go on the platform and risk a physical gaffe. You can be the butt of a million jokes if that's what you want. Or you can play it safe, hide yourself away and don't say a word to anyone anywhere and you may very well be elected!

Remembrances of George W. Bush's 2nd Grade Teacher
The Sad Story of Eddie "Stinky" Wilson

There are several phrases that come to mind that suggest that our roots in part determine what we become. "A chip off the old block," "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree," and "Like father, like son." That all describes one part of growing up, the influence of family and heredity. But another aspect of it has to do with our childhood apart from the family, and the interactions we're involved in with friends and at school, and how this also shapes us. An example would be a child who is especially shrewd with trading cards, knowing their worth and comparative scarcity, etc., who as an adult plays the stock market with a great deal of success. Or the child who is continually caught bringing guns to school who grows up to lead the NRA.

In the spirit of these possibilities, likelihoods, we thought it'd be good to interview some of the current candidates' old teachers. One we found especially interesting was the old 2nd grade teacher of George W. Bush, a Miss Priscilla DeGroot. She had vivid memories of the children of those bygone years and some of the activities they were involved with. Not surprisingly, Miss DeGroot remembered George W. as an "average student" and "a good boy, as boys go." She said he was always kind and clean, and seemed to be one who with the proper handling could become a leader of others. Miss DeGroot said this when she recalled a time in Social Studies when they were discussing government and she asked the students what they would do if they were president.

In those days there was a particular episode of the cartoon "Popeye" that was shown repeatedly, featuring a song, "If I Were President." Olive Oyl, Bluto, and Popeye all imagined what it'd be like if they occupied the nation's highest office and trust. Bluto, however, underwent psychiatric treatment, perhaps shock treatment for his anger, violence, and misogyny, and so he was out of the race. And while Popeye didn't have a tattoo of Freud, the tattoos of battleships on his biceps that actually shot off live rounds suggested unrestrainable aggression and military adventurism and so he was out. That left Olive, but she was no match against Eisenhower and Stevenson in the nonexistent '52 debates.

Anyway, at the school, hands shot up as various ones had their own ideas of what they would do as president. One youngster, Eddie "Stinky" Wilson, promised free chewing gum for everyone in the world! Another child said he would help everyone have enough food. When Miss DeGroot called on George W. Bush, he said he did in fact have some thoughts on what the country needed in a President. Then he said very little, and clearly he was reluctant to share too much too soon. Fortunately for him, the lunch bell rang at that very instant. The teacher said she noticed out of the corner of her eye that young George looked relieved, as though he was "saved by the bell."

After lunch, she looked out on the playground and saw George W. with four or five sixth-graders, and it looked as though they were counseling him, like they were in a conference. Then when the children all came back in, Miss DeGroot wanted to finish the previous activity and called on George W. She was amazed by the difference between George W. and all the other students who'd given their opinions. He said a few things, but it was obvious he'd been coached; he was very vague on the issues, possibly because he was simply ignorant and unprepared, or perhaps because he believed that the less they knew what he stood for the more they'd think he'd make the best President! Calculating? Or dumb?

After that, the subject never came up again. And while George W. had those fleeting moments of interest in politics, he still had too much living to do before he would settle down. Eddie "Stinky" Wilson today is whatever the fancy word is for garbageman, sanitary engineer or something like that.

How's This For Karma?
The Sad Story of Spiro Agnew

There have been numerous vice presidents. Most of them have served out their terms, and that's the end of their story. For a few, however, events have taken a certain drastic turn and, like it or not, they've been promoted to the top job. The most shocking example in recent memory no doubt was when LBJ became president with JFK's death. But there was another fairly shocking example, concerning "The Man Who Would Have Been President But Wasn't Because He Was An Idiot," and that concerned Spiro Agnew.

Time has smoothed over some of the rough edges of our memories of all this. But one jagged edge still sticks out, and that's the fact that this guy would have been president. It's not simply a possibility, not merely a what-if situation, nor is it conjectural, such as what might happen if Bill Bradley is elected and his enfeebled ticker gives out. This is an ironclad certainty, a done deal, a cut-and-dried fact, healthy and numerous chickens counted after they are hatched, absolute and indisputable, as sure as the fact that the sun came up yesterday. Agnew was elected Vice President in 1968, then again in 1972, biding his time that maybe (Oh please! Oh please!) he could someday be President. Then Richard Nixon resigned in 1974, but unfortunately (for him) Spiro Agnew resigned as Vice President in 1973.

Research indicates that he was involved in corruption in state government in Maryland. Something to do with kickbacks from highway contractors. Which probably seemed like a great idea at the time, since feathering your own nest is why you're elected in the first place. In hindsight, however, it wasn't such a good idea, as it turned out to be illegal. In 1973, then, the newspapers sent the word far and wide; CNN reported on it day and night, entitling the whole episode "The Disgrace of Spiro Agnew," with some very somber music overlaying the doubled graphic of the fallen veep looking down, one picture to the left, one to the right ; Internet chat rooms really came into their own with this matter, because everyone had an opinion to share. It was only thanks to a young technician at the time, a certain Albert Gore, Jr., that the newborn web was able to handle the load.

Then 1974 came. And with the intensification of the Watergate scandal, and finally with the "smoking gun," the tape of Richard Nixon asking Haldeman if Maryland needed any new highway work, Nixon was out and Gerald Ford was sworn in as the new President.

Spiro Agnew's sorry comment in those dark days brought forth a measure of sympathy: "Stupid me, dumb stupid me, what a moron, I have only my own idiotic self to blame..." But, alas, it was too late.

Ronald Reagan – Still The Antichrist?
The Sad Story of the Man of Sin

A lot of the books (teachings) that have to do with the Antichrist tend to hedge their bets. Some of the religious pamphlets that came out in the years of World War II, for example, ignorantly refused to be categorical whether Adolf Hitler was the Antichrist or not. Clearly he was, and that fact should have been admitted and stated. Similarly, a booklet published in the 1920s, "Definite Signs of This Age Closing," by "A Business Man" (published by G. Elgin Keefer in Connecticut and Ohio) speculated on the possibilities that King Feisal, the modern King of ancient Babylon, could be the Antichrist. But this "Business Man" said, "As yet, he is not the Antichrist..." (his emphasis). One would have appreciated a little less teasing with the issue and a little more definiteness; simply say Feisal is the Antichrist and let the chips fall where they may. Time would very likely prove you correct.

In that spirit, we will state it, without any ambiguity or hesitation whatsoever, that Ronald Wilson Reagan is still the Antichrist. Certain religious groups put forth this possibility in the early '80s, in part because his name (aforementioned) has three words and each word has six letters. That means 666, a number of great significance not only for horror movies and heavy metal rock bands; this is what The Bible says will be the number of the man of sin, God's greatest opponent, and man's greatest enemy.

Certain things happened in the Reagan years that add credence to our claim. But we will not bore anyone with the details at this time. (Hint: Remember how he said something about Armageddon and the Evil Empire?!)

We can hear the arguments already to our statement concerning Reagan. He is not in a position of power, he has faded from the scene, he has Alzheimer's, he's a political saint. Our answer to all of this is "How Do You Know?" If a person really were the Antichrist, and somewhere he was doing the work preparatory to revealing himself as such, what better cover could there be than what Reagan has? He's shielded from the public, doing who-knows-what?! We put forth this very bold statement: We Know What He's Doing. He is presently engaged in dark communications from his lair in California with the Control Room of Hell. He appears today neither like a movie star nor as the gregarious American patriot so many people love; instead he is dressed like the Evil Ming in the old Flash Gordon serials, and is deviously secretive like Exeter in the movie "This Island Earth," possibly with a bulbous forehead and veins that are throbbing, not in pleasure but in nefarious anticipation of his next move.

Ronald Wilson Reagan will come forth behind four horsemen. Ronald Wilson Reagan will rise from the bottomless Abyss. Ronald Wilson Reagan will deceive many. Ronald Wilson Reagan will lead hordes of locust men into a day of terrible battle. But he will ultimately be smitten with the flashing sword that proceeds forth out of the mouth of the Lord. Ronald Wilson Reagan's true retirement years will be spent in the Lake of Fire.

The lessons here for presidential candidates are numerous: perhaps the most obvious is if you have six letters in your name, either add one or take one away. And one final lesson: when you're out of office, stay out in the open where we can see you, so we know you have a disease or you're up to no good. By the way, maybe we better find out where is that barhopping Carter Carter Carter!

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