Signs of the End of the World - Starting March 1, 2001....

WATCHING FOR THE END - 2001

March 1 - Thursday

Another boring earthquake. This one destroys Seattle.

March 2 - Friday

To keep their doctrine pure, Afghanistan's Taliban destroys statues and works of art. Perhaps if man had been this faithful all along, the world could have gone on! Nice try, Taliban, but it's too little too late.

March 3 - Saturday

Spaceship the size of Australia hovers over U.S. for most of the day. When it leaves, authorities cites recent weather balloon experiments as explanation.

March 4 - Sunday

Big ship called U.S.S. Ronald Reagan christened. When the Antichrist is this blatant, surely the end cannot be far off!

March 5 - Monday

All quiet in the nation's schools. Dick Cheney feeling well. Nothing bad to report today.

March 6 - Tuesday

Saddam Hussein still plotting revenge against what he calls "rogue nations."

March 7 - Wednesday

Taliban zealots slipped into America last night, now roaming the countryside destroying yard deer and plywood cowboys.

March 8 - Thursday

Dick Cheney resigns as vice president. Dan Quayle supporters renew hopes for a second term.

March 9 - Friday

Soviets work overtime to manufacture special locust helmets for 200 million horses.

March 10 - Saturday

Taliban zealots still on the loose, now soaping windows and tipping outhouses.

March 11 - Sunday

The Earth slows down in its rotation and stops completely. Scientists are at their wits' end.

March 12 - Monday

No night last night! It's been daylight now for 24 hours! Mysteriously, word from the other side of the globe is just the opposite!

March 13 - Tuesday

"2001 That's It" website is shut down most of the day, having been overwhelmed with 500 million hits of people seeking answers.

March 14 - Wednesday

Satellite photos show a giant angel standing at North Pole, heels dug in, laughing like a hyena at the world's consternation.

March 15 - Thursday

Representatives of Earth's great religions are sent to the North Pole to reason with the angel. Everything's going great until he sees America's representative is Pat Robertson, then talks break down.

March 16 - Friday

Under intense world pressure, President Bush recalls Robertson. The giant angel appreciates the gesture of goodwill and talks are able to resume.

March 17 - Saturday

Religious leaders negotiate a settlement with the giant angel: "A sacrifice of the cattle of a thousand hills and the foreskins of 10,000 Afghanistan fundamentalists."

March 18 - Sunday

The United Nations in special session balks at giving up such a high number of cattle but finally agrees to both of the angel's demands.

March 19 - Monday

As sign of good faith, the giant angel eases pressure under one heel, causing the world to rotate at half its normal speed. Birds who've been awake for a week are finally able to get some shut-eye.

March 20 - Tuesday

Combined U.S. forces (and the few allies they can depend on) descend on Afghanistan to collect foreskins. President Bush is accidentally picked up on an open mike saying: "Finally a good excuse to get those %@$!ards!"

March 21 - Wednesday

The cattle of a thousand hills are rounded up and confiscated, then held in reserve. With the Afghanistan mission completed, everything is airlifted to the North Pole.

March 22 - Thursday

A nervous world is relieved when pictures from space show the Earth again picking up speed. At the North Pole, the giant angel is seen gorging himself on cattle (and a few sheep). As for the foreskins, the're deposited in a little wastecan next to him; he only wanted them for spite!

March 23 - Friday

Some apparent sickness has stricken the giant angel. Satellite photos show him on his knees barfing up a gutload of diseased animals. The upchuck destroys the southern third of Greenland.

March 24 - Saturday

President Bush nationalizes Pepto Bismol, Inc., and airlifts their entire inventory to the giant angel. The angel appreciates Bush's gesture of civility and seems ready to stop tormenting us. Fully cured of his stomach problems, he resumes his peaceful stance at the Pole.

March 25 - Sunday

The world hails President Bush for his wisdom in dealing with the giant angel. The United Nations approves a resolution officially recognizing he's not as stupid as he seems.

March 1 - Thursday	Another boring earthquake. This one destroys Seattle.
March 2 - Friday	To keep their doctrine pure, Afghanistan's Taliban destroys statues and works of art. Perhaps if man had been this faithful all along, the world could have gone on! Nice try, Taliban, but it's too little too late.
March 3 - Saturday	Spaceship the size of Australia hovers over U.S. for most of the day. When it leaves, authorities cites recent weather balloon experiments as explanation.
March 4 - Sunday	Big ship called U.S.S. Ronald Reagan christened. When the Antichrist is this blatant, surely the end cannot be far off!
March 5 - Monday	All quiet in the nation's schools. Dick Cheney feeling well. Nothing bad to report today.
March 6 - Tuesday	Saddam Hussein still plotting revenge against what he calls "rogue nations."
March 7 - Wednesday	Taliban zealots slipped into America last night, now roaming the countryside destroying yard deer and plywood cowboys.
March 8 - Thursday	Dick Cheney resigns as vice president. Dan Quayle supporters renew hopes for a second term.
March 9 - Friday	Soviets work overtime to manufacture special locust helmets for 200 million horses.
March 10 - Saturday	Taliban zealots still on the loose, now soaping windows and tipping outhouses.
March 11 - Sunday	The Earth slows down in its rotation and stops completely. Scientists are at their wits' end.
March 12 - Monday	No night last night! It's been daylight now for 24 hours! Mysteriously, word from the other side of the globe is just the opposite!
March 13 - Tuesday	"2001 That's It" website is shut down most of the day, having been overwhelmed with 500 million hits of people seeking answers.
March 14 - Wednesday	Satellite photos show a giant angel standing at North Pole, heels dug in, laughing like a hyena at the world's consternation.
March 15 - Thursday	Representatives of Earth's great religions are sent to the North Pole to reason with the angel. Everything's going great until he sees America's representative is Pat Robertson, then talks break down.
March 16 - Friday	Under intense world pressure, President Bush recalls Robertson. The giant angel appreciates the gesture of goodwill and talks are able to resume.
March 17 - Saturday	Religious leaders negotiate a settlement with the giant angel: "A sacrifice of the cattle of a thousand hills and the foreskins of 10,000 Afghanistan fundamentalists."
March 18 - Sunday	The United Nations in special session balks at giving up such a high number of cattle but finally agrees to both of the angel's demands.
March 19 - Monday	As sign of good faith, the giant angel eases pressure under one heel, causing the world to rotate at half its normal speed. Birds who've been awake for a week are finally able to get some shut-eye.
March 20 - Tuesday	Combined U.S. forces (and the few allies they can depend on) descend on Afghanistan to collect foreskins. President Bush is accidentally picked up on an open mike saying: "Finally a good excuse to get those %@$!ards!"
March 21 - Wednesday	The cattle of a thousand hills are rounded up and confiscated, then held in reserve. With the Afghanistan mission completed, everything is airlifted to the North Pole.
March 22 - Thursday	A nervous world is relieved when pictures from space show the Earth again picking up speed. At the North Pole, the giant angel is seen gorging himself on cattle (and a few sheep). As for the foreskins, the're deposited in a little wastecan next to him; he only wanted them for spite!
March 23 - Friday	Some apparent sickness has stricken the giant angel. Satellite photos show him on his knees barfing up a gutload of diseased animals. The upchuck destroys the southern third of Greenland.
March 24 - Saturday	President Bush nationalizes Pepto Bismol, Inc., and airlifts their entire inventory to the giant angel. The angel appreciates Bush's gesture of civility and seems ready to stop tormenting us. Fully cured of his stomach problems, he resumes his peaceful stance at the Pole.
March 25 - Sunday	The world hails President Bush for his wisdom in dealing with the giant angel. The United Nations approves a resolution officially recognizing he's not as stupid as he seems.