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RATS RATS RATS We need air. Our delicate sensibilities have again been abused by the Bush campaign, blatantly and with overwhelming malice aforethought in subliminal ads depicting Al Gore and his running mate as RATS. They couldn't have been any more obvious if they'd put in a picture, mentioned him by name, and — (oh, they did.) Governor Bush, we had hoped you would be true to your word about raising the level of civility in the campaign. But we're afraid your meanness directed toward your opponent gives little indication that you could truly bring "honor and dignity" to the White House. Maybe you need to run for captain of a pirate ship or warden of a prison, where this kind of maliciousness is a worthwhile asset. Frankly, we don't like rats, and we don't like you spouting it everyday how "My opponent is nothing but a low-down dirty stinking rat." This just doesn't go over well with us at all! In fact, the only rats we even remotely like are the rats who will be leaving your sinking ship very soon. Like a pirate ship! IS interesting! That's right, we mean Dick Cheney! ...Yes, THAT Dick Cheney!

We looked at the ad in question in a little more detail than the national media, whose right-wing bias toward Bush is quite obvious as well. We went over it like it was the Zapruder film. And despite what the media said about it only being "one frame," a more diligent examination of this heinous ad revealed a few more insults Bush leveled against Gore.

Real mature, Bush. You think Gore's prescription plan sucks? We're very tired of this word, but we know it never seems to go out of style for people of a certain character. Like Beavis and Butt-head, or George W. and Dick.

Fools? Is that what you think of Gore and Lieberman, Bush? Oh, the shame, for bringing our national discourse to a new low. It looks like the best you can offer for an argument is name-calling. For that, we proclaim you a low-life, wishy washy, namby pamby goofball.

Bush, you're saying Gore's prescription plan is "Like Firestone?" What do you mean by that? We've never heard the phrase. Isn't Firestone a good name? We haven't heard anything bad about it. But we imagine that since you never say anything good about Gore that it must be something bad. So we think you're the one who's like Firestone!

You're calling Gore and Lieberman and their prescription plan "Nazis?" There's nothing even remotely similar to the Nazis in their plan. The Nazis basic plan was to exterminate people. The only prescriptions they worried about were cyanide capsules for officers, and a lifetime supply was one. What's next? Lieberman = Lebensraum?

Oh, still trying to tie Gore to Clinton, huh, Bush? You know the whole Monica thing was really your Dad's fault. That's right. If George Bush the First had run a competent campaign in '92, Clinton wouldn't have been elected, therefore in no position to have White House interns. You say what about '96? Well, in that case, Quayle would've been the Republican candidate and would've beat the Democrat nominee whoever he would've been.

Gore isn't trying to cheat anyone, Bush! He's trying to help the middle class and the seniors to have affordable prescriptions and health insurance. His plan is the "Real Plan for Real People" and you shouldn't mischaracterize it as a "cheat" in anyway. Please don't be so hostile to Gore. You keep talking about your heart. Well, it's your cheatin' heart that's gonna tell on you.

"Scum?" Is that what you think of Gore now? You know what scum is? It's that kind of mucousy slick stuff that forms on the top of stagnant ponds. You see a duck drinking it and you wonder why it doesn't get sick. But if you take a swig, they've got you in intensive care with a stomach pump down your esophagus. That's a little insulting, wouldn't you agree, you scumbag?"

This is something we don't get, Bush. Al Gore has put forward a fairly decent plan, but you call it "Dead On Arrival." You know, we think you're just playing politics on this issue. Our opinion is: you would've criticized anything Gore put forth. There is nothing he could have recommended that you would've liked. By January your plan will be D.O.A. and his will be jogging 10 miles a day.

Bush, we have honored you and honored you for your service in the Guard. We gave you parades, medals, and our tears of joy that you returned safely. But we have to say, sir, it is really bad taste to keep pointing out that Gore never did his duty in the Guard. He has shown his patriotism in other ways, which we wish you would simply accept and respect. Let the '60s go, man!

This is supposed to be Bush's latest excuse for not wanting to debate Gore. But we figure, hey, how can the man kiss that long if he wilts plants? And it didn't seem to bother Oprah. She was still looking as fresh at the end as she was at the beginning. If a man's breath is bad, give him a Tic-Tac, don't take out a national ad campaign about it.

BACK TO INDEX PAGE ©2000 NegativeSpin.com Congratulations to the Bush consultants/insultants on such a great ad campaign: Karl Rove, Karen Hughes, Don Rickles E-Mail: tom@hauntedbookstore.com 9-13-2000