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Pencils Shipped to Iraq? Have We Suddenly Gone Insane? |
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BAD IDEA, U.N.! The world woke up Tuesday morning shocked to read the United Nation's announcement that pencils had been allowed into Iraq. The announcement contradicted reports that imports of the writing tools were banned. To say the least! Instead, a group ferried 3.5 million pencils into the renegade country in the middle of the night with the full blessing of the U.N.! The wisdom of their earlier fear that the pencils would be put to military use was apparently set aside for some political expediency. George Somerwill, U.N. spokesman in Baghdad, lying through his teeth, whined, "To my knowledge there is no ban on pencils." Then, in complete ignorance of the plain facts of the matter, he said it was "extremely unlikely" that the pencils would be used for military purposes! Hmm, fairly nasty. |
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WRITING WRONGS! At least there's one person happy — very happy — with this shameful turn of events: Saddam Hussein. This is a major concession of the world to his tyranny, and he is just loving it. There hasn't been a smile on his face like this for a very long time, not since we lifted the embargo on plutonium in January. But there will be no joy for the world, even though the United Nations claims it can't see the danger in this man clutching a handful of pencils. Today a handful, tomorrow the world's supply, then annihilation for the rest of us through lead poisoning or worse. This blasted desert fox has sat there and has outlived his enemies. And he's patiently bided his time, knowing the day would come when the world would let down its guard. And now his time has come. Time for Gulf War No. 2. |
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The smiling goes on in Baghdad. Saddam Hussein, pictured here bedecked in flowers and pencils, contemplates his supreme victory and calculates his next shrewd move. One thing we can say for sure, obviously he is quite confident of his chances to conquer the world by pencil power. He's flaunting it! Rubbing our face in it! This isn't going on in a secret laboratory in the basement of a children's hospital like most of his terrorist enterprise. He's putting together the final war machine right out in plain sight! And he doesn't even have to conserve his supply, as the world foolishly ships him all he needs. The world goes on its way, telling itself, "It's extremely unlikely he'll use them for military purposes." But, oh world, there's a question begging to be asked: Why would a madman need 3.5 million pencils in the middle of the night, if not first to make a jacket like the one pictured here, and then that he might declare full-bore war? You're getting a little dull, world and United Nations. You need sharpening. |
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There are certain things that should be seen as given: 1) That a madman once will again a madman be; 2) That England swings like a pendulum do; and, 3) That nobody that many pencils needs. Have we really forgotten this madman's "Mother of All Wars" so soon? The Scud missiles? The burning oilfields? The busted glass and painful screams that I heard last? Do we have to open ourselves up wide for more of the same today by prematurely lifting the embargo on pencils? There's no rush. The principle we should always be aware of is this: Monsters Breed Monsters. Even now, while the world sleeps, this Monster, Saddam Hussein, is developing pencils of mass destruction, and somewhere, somehow, a Super-Pencil with artificial intelligence but no predilection to do good and mind its manners. Look at the picture, and see. Saddam is pictured here with a smaller prototype of the actual thing. And, seriously folks, he maniacally laughs himself to sleep every night, knowing that if the lead doesn't kill us, the gigantic erasers are going to rub us from the face of the earth. |
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The city's alarm goes off, wailing its shrill cry into the black night. The people awaken in a state of wonder and disbelief. What is it? A tornado? A hurricane? A false alarm? The village parson drops from his cot to his knees and prays the Lord above, "Oh, let it please be a false alarm!" What does he know that no one else knows? Bleary-eyed children stagger from their beds, with their teddy bears falling from their arms in the rush to get to the bomb shelter. Their furry, lifeless toys lie on the floor, soon to be hideously covered in falling plaster and burning mortar. Parents comfort their little ones, knowing their reassurances are completely false. At first it seemed so unbelieveable, so incredible that we decided to take our profits however we could take them, even by hastening our own death at the hands of a madman and his "innocent need" of pencils. Again, the officious United Nations representative steps up to the microphone, hoping to hide the truth and his own guilt for another few moments, and his sickening voice crackles over the bomb shelter radio: "It seems extremely unlikely that Saddam Hussein will use pencils for military purposes." Extremely unlikely? Man, the graphite is falling all around us! The shards of jagged wood have destroyed our fields in an apocalyptic scene only the N.R.A. could love. |
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NUCLEAR SPLINTER! We just couldn't believe anyone could be that mad and ruthless. Mad enough to want to rain down terror on the world. But such naiveté was our folly. It's not true that what you don't know can't hurt you. The damage when its done will be done, and there'll be no going back to a time of innocence, a time of ignorance. From the oldest to the youngest, we'll know the pain; we'll know it as something that gnaws at the soul even if somehow in our stupor we find the ability to dull the physical discomfort. Mothers will seek to ease their children's hunger. But it's all tainted. Even Mother's milk has traces of irradiated pencils. The food we put up and hermetically sealed has inexplicably even been destroyed. There's no rhyme or reason to it. A pencil can't have a will to destroy, can it? No, the will that destroys us is all too human. And supplementing his raw will was an expertise in sadism that not only knew what kind of payload he needed to send but how best to deliver it. How can we go on? Listen to our so-called leader and his unfathomable ignorance: "It's extremely unlikely that he will use these pencils for military purposes." - United Nations representative. |
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It turned out the old folks and Tom Brokaw were right. The current generation wasn't up to the task. While the pencils were falling, they continued to insist that appeasement was still the way. Sacrifice wasn't the way. Duty wasn't the way. Too hard. Too much cost. The world went out with barely a whimper. And so, dear world, now what? The madman Saddam Hussein is the victor. Maybe he'll be generous. Maybe he'll be merciful toward us. Or perhaps he will see his triumph as a time for revenge and a time to take spoil. If you had to guess, what do you think he'll do? |
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ADDED AFTER SADDAM HUSSEIN IS OUT OF POWER - NOVEMBER 5, 2003:
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We're all doomed! Spend your money today! There's no tomorrow! There's only now! Oh, krikey!
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FULL
WOODEN JACKET!
AND
CARRY A BIG STICK!
BULLSEYE!
THE
END.
