"We still need to pay $153 for this stinking logo. Start investigating!" - Management

The bare facts of the matter are well-known by now. Someone in the Bush campaign sent a box of materials to the Gore campaign. The materials related in some way to George W. Bush's preparations for the debates with Al Gore. The Gore campaign then turned these items over to the FBI. Then the FBI, overworked and unable to get to the case before the election, farmed out the work to our investigative team. What follows is a report of our investigation, such as it was.

September 25, 2000 Report
Special Investigative Dossier No 00000002:

"Mole Molests Bush Campaign?
or what we like to call...
The Case of the Delivered Debate Dealies"

• What we hope to find: evidence of great wrongdoing
  

• What we hope to accomplish: expose the great wrongdoers
  
• What we demand of selves: little, next to nothing

Very Item That Sparked This Most Current of Investigations,
Demanding Re-Use of Negative Spin Investigative Logo Above and
Newest Pursuit of Actual Investigation to Recoup Expense
of Said Logo

Special Thanks to the Overworked FBI for Your Trust

This Box Will Subsequently Be Referred to (maybe)
as "The Box" (technically "The Provoking Article #00000002")
The Contents have no technical name beyond The Contents,
but if they did have a technical name it would have
to be "The Contents of The Provoking Article #00000002".

FACTS & FINDINGS OF THE SPECIAL INVESTIGATIVE GROUP;
POINTS FROM OFFICIAL ROUNDTABLE INVESTIGATION OF "THE PROVOKING ARTICLE":

• Chairman Polson opened this session of the special investigative group. Speaking from a prepared text, he lead in voluntary prayer, praying something about patience and how his heart was darkened. We reminded him this wasn't a high school football game, and he immediately retracted his remarks. He told us he expected a "good investigation," and lambasted several of the smaller members of the team, a painful reminder of his troubles at home.

• Photos of The Provoking Article were distributed.

• Quiet study time was allowed and time for personal thought on photos of The Provoking Article.

• Vice Chair Klein looked around the table to give someone the floor. Comments were slow in coming, but someone finally asked why we would study a photo when the actual Provoking Article was in the room.

• Finally the investigation began in earnest. No clues noted on exterior of the box.

• In opening the box, two videotapes fell out.

• Investigation was immediately stymied by lack of VCR.

• Chairman Polson was heard muttering, "How could she do this to me?"

• Ordinary videocassette marked "Survivor episodes" was noted.

• Videocassette called "Dimbo in Debate Land" was noted. Conclusions were drawn from thorough examination of the case:

  • The creature pictured on the case was unfamiliar to us.

  • No other helpful information could be ascertained as to what the video's contents were.

• Vice-chairman alerted us to what was next in The Provoking Article. Every eye glanced from the several directions, that is each eye glanced from where it was to the place where The Box was.

• Here the investigation seemed to be getting down to the other items found within the box. But we were suddenly stopped as there was some discussion on how ethical it would be to ignore a note that clearly said, "THIS STUFF IS TOP SECRET!!!"

• Chairman Polson suddenly karate-chopped the air, muttering, "Under my own roof?"

• It was determined the note referred only to the contents of the notebook and not to the contents of the Provoking Article. And, anyway, it was a note to "SELF" and not us.

  • Quite a few papers in the box. Borrrrrring! Looked like just the usual policy papers from briefings. Also some seemed to detail "What Bush Tells the Public" and "What He Actually Intends to Do," stuff like that. There were some documents about how they could put a mole in the Gore camp, how they knew certain ones who would do it for a price. Just glancing through here: "KR - It could be done, we could do it." "KH - But it'd take a lot of money, maybe a million." "GWB - A million? We could get a million. I know where we could get it. But [expletive deleted], it'd be wrong." "KR - Let's hold off on it." "GWB - OK, let's hold off, but keep it in mind." Just boring stuff like that.

  • A children's book of "Smokey the Bear." Inside a section was underlined: "Never burn grass, brush, or trash on windy days. When they do burn it, they should have plenty of help." Apparently to be used in debate to criticize Administration's handling of western fires.

  • Miscellaneous other books: Book of Great Quotations, with several Mark Twain quotes underlined, one Lloyd Bentzen quote circled with "BEWARE" in the margin; Scoutmasters Book, with section marked on various ways of tying a guy to a fence (thought to be a reference to Wyoming and Dick Cheney somehow.)

• Chairman Polson seemed slightly out of touch with the rest of the group, shouting, "Oh! Steve is your big lover boy!?"

• Pictured here is an interesting item we found in The Provoking Article: A special miniature edition of the old Big Chief tablet, just a little bigger than a quarter! From the looks of the inside, Gov. Bush was working on improving his vocabulary, and was already up to words that would fit on these tiny pages.

• The group took a break. It seemed the investigation might go to 2 p.m. A few of us went to the candy machine and were very very crabby about busting our aching humps.

• Chairman Polson, appearing to be in a bad mood and wanting to get home, dismissed us for the day. We followed him, as it seemed like there might be something more interesting than this cusséd Provoking Article to see at his house!

• TENTATIVE CONCLUSIONS:

  • No evidence of wrongdoing found in the Gore camp.
    

  • Suspicions that George W. Bush is up to no-good, or is contemplating something crooked.
    
  • You can't have a decent investigation when there's a problem with cuckoldry at home.

Note to George W. Bush:
If you want your box of crap back, send money and lots of it. Like $153! Yes, it'd be wrong, but it could be done; you could do it.

George W. Bush Is Guilty-as-Sin of Something!
We just need to keep looking!