The Island's Supreme Chieftain

Steve Forbes has recently put his private island on the real estate market, that he might have enough cash to continue his presidential campaign. Few outsiders have known about, let alone have visited Forbes Island and its happy people. But now a few photos and reports have surfaced and can be shared. And as anyone can see in just these glimpses, Forbes Island is a truly a wonderful place. It demonstrates that Mr. Forbes would make a great leader right here in our own land.

The sea is calm as we approach Forbes Island. But soon the silence of the day is broken by the whoops and cries of restless natives. We're made a little nervous as we see them through binoculars piling into boats with spears in hand and coming toward us, cutting through the water with great speed. It's only when we show them our "Forbes 2000" campaign buttons that they become friendly and motion with their spears for us to go toward shore.

On shore, we find Forbes Island to be a real paradise. And modern, too! Chieftain Forbes' policies have lead to new innovations in many things, in technology for one, dramatically improving transportation. Here is a new conveyance that we rode while on the island. The fare is a "flat rate," the same fee whether you ride one mile or both miles of the island's length. Unfortunately, the currency is stone and about four foot in diameter.

The day we got there they welcomed us as they were making preparations for an elaborate religious festival. Chieftain Forbes counts on those involved in this aspect of the island's life, that they might raise the people's morals to his own high standards. One other thing to note about this festival: Thanks to the diversion of a well-timed eclipse, we were able to spit out the apples, get out of the giant kettles of boiling water, and make our escape inland to safety.

Education has long been a top priority of Chieftain Forbes. His program of education has replaced many of the people's primitive beliefs with modern teachings. Here we see a group of scholars between classes in front of their school. It was a real shame, but they weren't there for long. When our flashbulb went off they dove in the river for fear, calling on the gods to restore their souls from our camera, and they haven't been heard from since. At least it's not Kansas.

Chieftain Forbes' policies on the island have lead to some very wonderful opportunities. This little group shows off the clothing they received three years ago from the missionaries. But this is not an entirely happy story, as the clothing wasn't exactly a gift: after the religious festival held at that time the missionaries no longer had need of their clothing or anything else. It seems there was no eclipse that particular day.

The economy on Forbes Island has made a few of the residents much wealthier than others, and this has lead to some very conspicuous consumption. Here we see one upper-class couple in the island's equivalent of the chauffeur-driven limo. They are really proud as they ride in style; just after this photo was taken they pulled down a privacy shade! And of course there's only one other person who can match them, and that's only when Chieftain Forbes himself comes to visit: his wagon has four wheels and three animals, two pulling in front and one trailing as a spare.

Forbes Island has a lot to offer for everyone. Pictured here are several of the island's merchants, selling fruit. But this picture shows the merchants in kind of a disgruntled mood, as there is neither supply nor demand. It seems that business has been a bit "off" for the past several decades, since almost everyone here raises their own fruit. These particular merchants didn't appear to want fruit at this time, but were displaying rather a most carniverous look in their eye, so we advanced on in our journey.

Finally, we saw Chieftain Forbes stride ashore. The natives have enjoyed his benevolent government, and are happy to give him his yearly taxes. He changed the old structure so that now everyone can share equally in the joy of supporting his government: 20% whether you earn 5 of those giant stone coins or 50. But they've found that those who do earn 50 don't really miss 10, while things can be a little tight for those at the other end.

Years ago, the witchdoctor received a prophecy that the chieftain one day would try to sell the island. The exact prophecy said he would come ashore with several men in white suits, would shake hands with the witchdoctor in the green grove, and assure him that there would be no sale. But his word this one time would be a deception, and at that time he must not be allowed to escape their wrath. This prophecy is not taken literally, however, even though there are still some people who ignorantly watch for "the signs."