"A Great Logo Like This Demands An Investigation To Justify Its Expense." - Management

February 11, 2000 Report
Special Investigative Dossier No 00000001:

"George W. Bush Disses John McCain"

• What we hope to find: evidence of great wrongdoing
  

• What we hope to accomplish: bring the wrongdoer to justice
  
• Firm demand we make on selves: find truth whatever the cost

News Article That Sparked Our Requisitioning the Design
of Negative Spin Investigative Logo Above and
Then the Necessity of An Actual Investigation to Justify Expense
of Said Logo

This News Article Will Subsequently Be Referred to
as "The Provoking Article" (on file as "P.A. #00000001")

FACTS & FINDINGS OF THE SPECIAL INVESTIGATIVE GROUP;
POINTS FROM OFFICIAL ROUNDTABLE INVESTIGATION OF "THE PROVOKING ARTICLE":

• Chairman Polson opened the special investigative group. Speaking from a prepared text, he called us "gentlemen." He gave a good sense of the responsibility any special investigative group has toward the truth. He said he expected a "good investigation," and that if each of us gave our all he was confident he would be well-satisfied and well-pleased.

• Copies of The Provoking Article were distributed.

• The chair brought the dictionary (subsequently referred to as "Webster") to the table.

• Quiet study time was allowed and time for personal thought on The Provoking Article.

• The chair looked around the table to give someone the floor. Comments were slow in coming with stomachs growling.

• We broke for lunch, gyros from the Grecian place on 5th.

• The Provoking Article again headed the agenda for our after-lunch session.

• Finally the investigation began in earnest.

• Speculation was batted around the table as to what the words "Bush camp" might refer to. Webster was consulted but without much gain. We eventually determined it must be short for "campaign."

• "Rubbery-looking reptile men" was thought to be a most peculiar, strange, and far-fetched phrase, spurring much heated debate. One side felt it wasn't worthwhile evidence, that we couldn't build a case on it, that in fact it took away from our case and must be stricken from consideration. It went on like that for close to two hours. Contenders were really laying their absolute best investigative talents on the line. Then someone recalled seeing Ralph Reed on Larry King and all debate ceased.

• Chairman alerted us to what was next in The Provoking Article. Every eye glanced down at its individual copy. Apparently he meant two verbs. "Come forth" and "To denounce." At last we believed the investigation had hit paydirt, which according to Webster is "a useful discovery."

• Here the investigation seemed to have the goods on Bush within our grasp once and for all. "To denounce," according to Webster, means "to pronounce especially publicly to be blameworthy or evil." Tentative conclusions were brainstormed:

  • So Bush is dissing someone and publicly.
    

  • "Especially" implies some dissing in private. 'If I kiss my wife "especially" at night, I must be kissing her sometime during the day.'
    
  • "Blameworthy" means nothing but being negative.
    
  • Pronouncing someone as "evil"? Will Bush stop at nothing?

• The chairman pulled the threads of the investigation together and cautioned us to be prepared for what we still might find.

• The group took a break. It seemed the investigation might go all night. A few at the candy machine were very crabby about busting their humps.

• When the meeting resumed, our eyes were alerted to the words "John McCain" in The Provoking Article. The pieces were coming together at long last. The worst thing any investigation can lead to is a blind-alley, but our previous discovery of paydirt had kept us optimistic and each spirit buoyant.

• With the words "John McCain," our chairman said: "We got 'im." I looked at Carlson and he was jotting the words on his yellow pad just as I was. The chairman repeated it: "We got 'im," this time nodding and inviting the rest of us to nod. I was nodding and put a little notation next to the phrase "We got 'im," that being "X2 & nods."

• Finally it was all coming together. John McCain was the now-obvious victim of a smear camp from the Bush camp. The evidence was before us in stark black and white. All that remained was to investigate the nature of the dissing and to report our findings.

• Our eyes returned to The Provoking Article for further exploration. Polson said, "Let's put it through the mental wringer this time, see what comes out." That clarion call gave renewed vitality to nodders. Bloodshot eyes, but determined eyes, returned to the task.

• "Inauthentic, disingenuous, dangerous." The three words demanded our best. Immediately we turned to Webster. Webster described them as adjectives. It was agreed by all that these were all 50 cent words to be sure. The first means: "Not authentic." The second means: "Lacking in candor." The third means: "Involving danger."

• Silent rumination ensued. The only noise was the coarse friction of pencil to pad and the buzz of a horsefly hitting his head against the light above. I glanced over and noticed a drop of sweat had dripped on Curtis' pad.

• After a few minutes, Curtis said, "I've written a sentence." We waited a couple seconds and Curtis read from his pad: "He is not authentic, lacking in candor, and involving danger." This really helped as we consolidated the evidence and hoped to begin the process of arriving at conclusions. Chairman Polson told Curtis he was proud of him, that he had strung the words together on a single bracelet like charms from 50 states.

• It was agreed that each of the "adjectives" were meant to diss John McCain, with "disingenuous" being the most obvious. Chairman Polson wrote Curtis' sentence on the blackboard. Then he stood back, and made some "hmm" noises, cocked his head, and rubbed his chin. We could tell he was deep in thought. Suddenly then it was like he had been shocked. He stepped quickly forward and erased the word "He" and wrote in "John McCain." That was the evidence we were looking for!

• "Hip Hip Hooray for Curtis & Dan Polson!"

• I was assigned the task of writing the report on our findings and filing it. - Tom

• CONCLUSIONS:

  • George W. Bush is dissing John McCain.
    

  • To us this is wrong.
    
  • George W. Bush: You come from a good family, so stop it, stop it now!

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