GAZETTE CHOOSES BUSH This year The Hell Gazette's endorsement for president goes to Texas governor George W. Bush. Gov. Bush's many serious shortcomings pose a major threat to stability and the common good, making him the best candidate. Al Gore has been accused of numerous failings, everything from a habit of exaggeration to wanting to make the lives of senior citizens "a living hell." We have looked into these charges and find they have no basis in fact, making Mr. Gore much less attractive as a candidate. It's only in Gov. Bush that we see what we're looking for. We wanted someone with a mediocre to poor record. The governor's record in Texas has been bad, most impressive to us. We wanted someone who would display little feeling for the suffering of others. Mr. Bush's responses in the debates on the death penalty gave us hope that his apparent callousness is genuine. And we wanted someone whose lack of experience and intellectual curiosity would lead only to poor decisions and increasing turmoil. Clearly, Gov. Bush is the superior candidate in each of these areas. We understand and appreciate it that Vice President Gore is not perfect. But he is far from our well-established ideal of Evil Incarnate. Gov. Bush, who actually is not as evil as we would like, is definitely bad enough to deserve our support. If for no other reason than that he is the greater of two evils, we encourage your vote for Gov. George W. Bush. WATER RUMORS TRACED TO TEENS Recent false reports that ice water is available in Hell have been traced to three teenage boys. Described as troublemakers from the lowest reaches, they circulated the rumor of "as much ice water as you'd care to drink." Their false report led to jammed roads and a tenfold increase in anguished wailing and gnashing of teeth. The authorities were quick to point out that all taps will remain dry for the foreseeable future and called for patience and calm. The boys were commended for having essentially good motives, wanting to cause heartache and trouble, but were reminded that once folks are in Hell they have enough trouble to deal with and don't really need more.				CHRIST APPARITION MET WITH HOWLS OF PROTEST As if we're not miserable enough here, now this: an obvious taunt out of heaven to remind us of our desperate estate. An apparition of the Son of God was seen by local residents over the weekend. A group of demons from the area led the people in protests. A petition to God was circulated and received lots of signatures, calling on the Supreme Being to stop reminding us of His everlasting wrath, "and once and for all to please stop rubbing it in." While none of us can find any joy in seeing His terrible form, the photo at least points out one good thing: air quality lately has been improving. MIDDLE EAST HATE: "NO END IN SIGHT" Despite President Clinton's meddling where he's not wanted, the troubles in the Middle East continue on at a fever pitch. The so-called Holy Land seems an unlikely spot for century after century of conflict and hatred. "Fortunately, that's the way it is," said Satan in a recent interview. He added, "And you know it really doesn't take much to get the idiots over there fighting. No one seems to have anything to do except hang around on the streets all day and night looking for trouble!" Satan questioned the value of the numerous peace initiatives over the last 30 years. "We don't even keep a full staff there anymore. I've had the Middle East on autopilot since 1948. Just imagine what it'd be like if we were really trying! These bozos are very easy...there's no end in sight to their misery!" We've given our highest 5-star rating and the coveted "Hell's Website of the Entire 21st Century Award" to a recent Negative Spin page: "Visit to the Morbid Mortuary." The site is the funniest thing we've seen since the Book of Revelation, and it has a happier ending! You'll see several dead bodies, some you just might recognize! Keep up the good work!				CANCER STATS NOW ON THE RISE SATAN CALLS REPORT "VERY ENCOURAGING" Worsening diets, lack of exercise, smoking, and larger environmental problems are credited with boosting the number of cancer cases, which until recently had been down. Satan called the upswing in suffering from cancer "very encouraging indeed," also citing satisfaction with the results of recent workshops on how to tempt youngsters to smoke now that cigarette companies are facing greater ad restrictions. LYING SPIRITS COMMENDED FOR ELECTION WORK As the 2000 U.S. presidential election winds down, it's time for some reflection on how it went. For their part, the local Guild of Lying Spirits have received well-deserved praise for their work in the campaign. "We put forth one huge hell of an effort," said one spirit, "and we believe it shows." The guild is responsible for all of the lies, falsehoods, shadings of the truth, prevarications, bending of the facts, Bushisms, distortions, twisting of the record, TV ads, exaggerations, and unintentional fibs. Vice President Al Gore was a target of the lying spirits for a time, but the work was just too hard to maintain as his natural resistance was so great. Governor Bush was quicker to yield to our guild's good work. One of the most remarkable aspects of this is how seldom he was actually caught for his many baldfaced lies. Our chief lying spirit credits this fact to their concentrated efforts in the media as well. "Of course Fox News is a piece of cake. The 'journalists' there nuzzle up to the lying spirit like baby pigs to a sow," he said. "CNN is the one that does a pretty good job of resisting our work, if you want to know the truth." A spokesman for the lying spirits also spoke of the religious right as one of their targets. "You would think they'd know the difference between a lying spirit and something good, since they have the Bible and are supposedly following the ways of Christ. But turns out they're really very easy marks, like the Pharisees: Ask 'em for an inch and they give you a mile!" The chief did have one complaint, and says this will probably get worse before it gets better: Keeping talk radio staffed is becoming an unbearable challenge. "Just keeping up with Rush Limbaugh alone is such a strain, we're always looking for new and better ways to keep morale high! Even demons deserve a little breather now and then!"

EDITORIALS Bush DUI Caught Red-Handed Tsk, tsk, Mr. Bush. Isn't it just too bad you yielded to temptation all those years ago, and were driving drunk? Isn't it so human of you to cover it up all this time? Aren't you just the slightest bit embarrassed by your obvious hypocrisy in making "character" the issue? Because, you know, we're supernatural down here: we know this is just (pardon the expression) the tip of the iceberg of problems from your past. The fact that the mainstream media have fallen down in their duty of reporting these things doesn't erase what you yourself know. And now everyone knows it's obvious that you're not going to tell the truth about any of it because: 1) The election's on the line and surely you can duck and deny any allegation that comes along; 2) You wouldn't want your daughters to find out, those precious little dears... Now it might seem strange that since The Gazette has endorsed Gov. Bush for president that we would be so hard on him. Think about it: where do you think his temptations came from? Right here in the pits of Hell. We're actually quite happy that we have had him so firmly in our clutches all these years. Think of us like you'd think of the NRA or any of the other right-wing interest groups: the more we have the little wimp in our back pocket, the more power we have. And we like power! The NRA says they'll be working out of Mr. Bush's office, but we'll be working out of Mr. Bush himself! We like to goad him, we want him to know who his real master is. Yes, we think it's too bad you didn't kill someone while driving drunk! We could have had a new resident in Hell. And we certainly love getting all the poor souls that we can! Maybe next time! Finally, Gov. Bush, remember, we're here for you if you need us for any more lies. We'll send a lying spirit your way in a flash! And keep up the good hypocrisy. People don't seem to notice. You know it's wrong, but afterall, "everyone does it;" think about that and it'll make you feel better.   Truth Is Overrated Since the devil is a liar and the Father of Lies, of course it is the position of The Gazette that Truth is greatly overrated. (We're going to avoid the logical conundrum here of how we can express our opinion and mean it to be taken as true when we are speaking against the truth. Suffice it to say, what we're saying here is going to be true, even though we maintain an abiding hatred for the truth. Sometimes it's a necessary evil, the one case in which evil is not exactly good.) We call for the abolishment of this very perverse standard that people should tell the truth. Friends, sometimes the truth hurts. First, the truth hurts you. Take the case of Gov. Bush. Remember how the reporters were asking him questions in 1999 about his personal life. He ducked, dodged, weaved, bobbed, avoided, got angry, spoke out against the politics of personal destruction, etc. Because he knew the truth would hurt him. Second, the truth hurts others. In the case of Gov. Bush again, he knew the truth would hurt his daughters. For some reason he thought it'd be best to portray himself to them as the model of honor, decency, goodness, and purity. As far as they knew, Dad was a Puritan. The simple little truth that he had passed and lapped John Wayne Gacy as a sinner and made Jeffrey Dahmer look like a 90-year-old school marm could be damaging to his daughters' innocent perceptions. And oftentimes the truth is simply your own business. We've commended Gov. Bush for his excessive hypocrisy, and we say keep up the good work. But we really question whether it should be so necessary. Can't Vice President Gore just mind his own business while Gov. Bush mucks up things in Mr. Gore's life? And the last thing here about truth. It's all relative. Not that there's not fact and not fiction. But people choose to see as truth (with its implications) what suits them. The ones who bray loudest about situational ethics, absolutes, and Mr. Clinton's sins, etc., are the ones who will be the softest speaking on Gov. Bush's DUI conviction and his other as-yet-undiscovered sins. Why? Because it suits their purposes. But of course we here in Hell know: Covering over the truth when it suits you is still a lie, even if you don't open your mouth. Keep up the good work, all. And remember where all your lies ultimately come from: right here in the pits of Hell and the Father of lies!   CONTEST RESULTS Write-the-Caption Contest Ends The Gazette was overwhelmed with entries in this month's "Write-the-Caption" contest! Our editors have sifted through your entries and have selected the best ones. First Prize of 8 Drops of Water on His Tongue goes to Herb Limbaugh: "The men's room's that way, but you'd be smarter to use a glass." Second Prize of 4 Minutes of Air Conditioning goes to Maude Matalin: "You have more integrity than Al Gore, so get your butt out there and make something up!" Third Prize of a Used Testicle goes to Adolf Hitler: "This way to the showers."   Thank you all for participating. And good luck on collecting those prizes!

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