Welcome...Come in and Visit... Blessed Negative Spin Mortuary Since 1889 - We Do Things To Your Loved Ones You Wouldn't Expect

Be very careful as you pass by here. This old battle-axe isn't as frail as she appears. She actually sat up on the embalming table three times, and once had her hand around our assistant's throat! Everyone says it's involuntary, but we're not too sure: We found a bottle of vitamins and a hit-list in her casket!

This old stiff was a miner in our area, and was suddenly overcome one day while deep in the shaft. This was a kind of two-for-one deal for us, because we found a dead canary nesting in his beard!

The neighborhood kids spread rumors that Old Maude is still at the funeral home. They never liked her and she certainly never liked them. When we catch 'em playing in the yard, we take Maude over to the window and scare 'em off. But when they tell their parents, by then we have the old girl's casket back in the closet. It's worked pretty well so far!

This sweet old lady used to bring us sugar cookies right from the oven and they were very good. But she'd never give us the recipe, saying, "I'll take my secret recipe to the grave!" Well, we have feelings, too, like anyone else, and that really ticked us off! So, you think you're going to the grave, huh, Cookie Woman? We've got an oven of our own, and that's the only place you're headed!

We're keeping this little tyke around for the good of mankind. They said some witches around here might have some kind of solstice thing to bring peace and harmony to the world. And they might need a child's tongue for the right spell! Open up, Precious, and say "Ahhh."

Look at this one. Think his pillow might be a bit firm? Either that or he's checking his chest for signs of decomposition. Whatever it is, it looks painful! Keep it up, Sonny, and you'll end up with a stiff neck. Get it? Bwa-haa-haha....!

Old Ed wanted to leave his body for science. But he probably wasn't expecting an experiment like the one we're doing. We want to find out if that 5-minute 'just for men' mustache coloring stuff works, and does it last?

Remember the commercial where one kid says, "What's this?" and the other says, "Some cereal, supposed to be good for you"? We actually did bury this ugly specimen but then we started getting nasty calls from earthworms. These days it seems everyone's fussy about what goes in their pharynx!

This kid was just too darned good looking to send to the graveyard, so we're keeping him around. Take another look. He reminds us of the age-old question: Which one do you like best: Old Elvis or Young Elvis?

We remember the tributes this guy got at his service. The flowers came in and all the words were sweet. So it really seemed a pity not to bury him. But we kept him, hoping to find out why they liked him so much. The only thing we've found so far: he makes a great doorstop!