Photo-finish, by-a-nose, a real humdinger.
All words used to describe a very close race, a race that goes to the wire. And that was exactly what we were expecting in this election... until the voters stepped behind that little curtain and heard the voice of the good little angel on their shoulder saying, "Vote Gore." Then it was all decided! Then our better angels came forth! And Al Gore was elected the next President of the United States by a landslide so huge it made Castro's last victory look like a squeaker! (In all fairness, George W. Bush got a few votes, but not many).
Thank God for those little angels! And thank you, America! Even though a full 50% of you ignored your better angels for over a year of the campaign, we're so grateful that when it came right down to it, something finally went CLUNK in your mind and you eventually pulled yourself together just long enough to make the right decision. By the way, this is something you should work on. Start thinking, for a change. Truth is you really didn't need those little angels to tell you how to vote. 1) You could have studied the issues a little more diligently and thought about the common good. 2) You could have very easily seen the obvious, blatant shortcomings of Bush and that Gore was clearly superior. 3) You could've used common sense (you surely have at least a tiny bit of common sense, at least we would hope... somehow you're able to make toast and spread butter on the right side).
Ah, well, what's past is past... this is no time for recriminations and hard feelings and all this scolding that comes so natural to us. You eventually did the right thing and that's really what counts! And now we have the victory, a victory for all America! Gov. Bush was turned away, handed his walking papers, sent packing, took the low road home, and he's gone. President-Elect Al Gore is now "da man," the victor, the head cheese, the one who will lead our nation onward toward a more perfect union, etc., etc.
OK...now we present each man in this great contest. First {Fanfare and Flourish, Hail to the Chief}, President-Elect Albert Gore:
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AL GORE Man of honor, champion of the people, protector of the environment, friend of all, husbander of the surplus, protector of Medicare, savior of Social Security, reinventer of smaller government, taker-on of the special interests, Mr. Prescription Drugs Benefits, he's on our "sighed", appointer of a decent Supreme Court, rebuilder of the military, not satisfied with the past, looking to the future, extender of the prosperity. |
THE VICTOR
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PRESIDENT-ELECT Kisser of Tipper, fighter for the middle class, pronouncer of tough foreign names, scourge of Perot, butt-kicker of Nader, decent, kind, payer-down of the debt, growler of his words better than Roy Orbison, funny when he needs to be funny, favorite band The Beatles, his own man, helper of education, wanter of smaller class sizes, no friend of Dr. Franco, sight for sore eyes, inventer of the Bushwacker®, lord and paraclete of senior citizens. |
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GEORGE W. BUSH More a weed than an actual bush, lives for today with no thought for tomorrow, no savings - just give it all away, returner to deficits and debt, let seniors fend for themselves, mercy-killing for the weak and infirm, wanter of strict destructionists on the bench, biggest whiner in the debate, blamer of everyone else for his own failings, evader, simpleton, dullard, truly a divider, empty suit, lots of potential if he had something to work with, not ready to be dog catcher. |
THE VANQUISHED
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TEXAS GOVERNOR Unpatriotic (never mentions the Pledge of Allegiance), dumber-down of tests, polluter of the air and water, despoiler of Alaskan purity, back-pocket possession of the NRA, dupe of the vast right wing conspiracy, investor in Dr. Franco, snorter and sniffer in the debates, coddler of Saddam Hussein, waster of taxpayer money in '73 service, defender of HMOs, friend of big tobacco and big oil, laugher at deathrow inmates, dirty campaigner, crawler back under the rock he came from. |
When it came right down to it, the choice was clear and the choice was made! America looked square in the face the possibility that the 21st century might one day be called "The Century of Nuclear Winter" and rejected it.
The evidence started as a trickle, then became a rivulet, then progressively became a babbling brook, a steady stream, a widening creek, a small flowing river, a major tributary, a principal waterway, and finally a tsunami that George W. Bush was simply no good. On the other hand, the realization took root, first as a seedling, then as a tentative sprout, then as a windbent sapling, then progressively as an weeping Willow, a leaking Maple, a nut-dropping Walnut, an evergreen Pine, a sturdy Oak, and finally as a wondrous green forest immovable that Al Gore was simply the best.
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For the longest time it seemed like the issues didn't matter. The average American voter said "I can't be bothered." Then the summer was upon us, and the conventions. And Americans stayed home in droves. The conventions, both combined, brought out only a fraction of the people, a few thousand each(!) with millions upon millions remaining away. That was a big disappointment, but seemed to drive home the point that apathy and ignorance would have their day! Then Labor Day came and went. And still nobody cared. The debate over debates came. Nobody cared. The Commission on Debates complained about the media. In other years they've been able to find a few semi-competent media volunteers to staff the debates. This year if it hadn't been for the generosity of Jim Lehrer alone, the only media guy who bothered to show up(!), we wouldn't have had anything! And the people weren't much better, with only a measly few hundred in attendance! But, as we said, eventually the issues came to the fore. A reluctant media heard somebody somewhere – some old man – just an average man except for the beard that touched the ground, a large red nose, and spotted pants. On behalf of a tuned-out nation, he asked, "What about us seniors?" And that's what touched it all off. People everywhere where suddenly asking "What about this? What about that?" Then Jim Lehrer stepped in and rallied as many dormant media people as he could – reminiscent of a confident John Belushi rallying the despondent denizens of Animal House – and suddenly we were into the issues!
The candidates were out and about, criss-crossing the nation. Al Gore stood boldly, brimming with confidence and optimism for the nation's future. George W. Bush consulted his advisors, checked the polls, held his finger to the wind, and prattled mindlessly whatever numbskull drivel chanced upon his tongue. Al Gore called the nation to a new future, a brighter future, a future of fulfilling the American dream for all. He declared, "We have the best economy since the Garden of Eden, but I'm still not satisfied!" George W. Bush put together a focus group at a mental hospital and pointlessly asked, "Which would you rather do: stay here and eat potato chips or go bowling?" Al Gore said, "I want to fight for you!" Gov. Bush grabbed the microphone, turned up the volume, rubbed it on his face like an electric shaver, and shrieked, "If that doesn't scare away crows, nothing will!" |
So
we bid a fond adiablos to Gov. Bush...
You've
worn out your welcome, time is still passing, so get going...
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Don't let the door hit you on the way out. Don't write, don't call, don't drop in. If you can avoid cameras and microphones, please give us the benefit of that one small courtesy. Now you've had your day, it's time for you to step aside (farther, farther). The old hook is coming from the curtain stage right. The old hook has your name on it. You've been hooked. Go peaceably and there won't be any trouble. This way to the back alley. OK, the door is shut. He's back there next to the dumpster, still taking up space, but that we can't help. He can go to the soup kitchen. Maybe someone there will take him in. He has a good heart, after all. But that's for another day. Flip him a dime; it won't buy anything.
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And so finally we leave Gov. Bush behind He joins the ranks of those who've gone before, the other historical asterisks. His campaign signs speak of a day and of hopes now past. Each of those hopes is now down the drain. We bid a hardy "good riddance" to him and his hopes and aspirations. Let it never be said there was anything noble or anything good about any of them. A total waste, the muck and mire of a day now thankfully gone by.
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Text,
Newspaper Graphic, Bruised Bush Picture,
Little-known Election 2000 fact. On
Nov. 7, 2000, in Tennessee
E-Mail: tom@hauntedbookstore.com |
The
Issues Mattered
So
now, all of a sudden what mattered were these things: Social
Security, Medicare, Prescription Drugs, Tax Cuts/Tax Relief,
Education, the very divisive Dr. Franco abortion issue, Prosperity,
Paying Down the Debt, Mercy Killing of Seniors, the Supreme Court and
a Woman's Right to Choose Potatoes or Stuffing for Dinner, and
Military Readiness and Morale.
