Al Gore's Other Advisors: "Preparing For The Debates"

The news from the Gore campaign is that they need help. And when they need help, they get it! An example of this was the advisor they hired at $15,000 a month to give pointers to the Vice President about how to assert himself in such a way that he would appeal to women. What the media doesn't realize is that this was not an isolated incident. Our website has intercepted several highly-confidential memos from Mr. Gore himself, and we have been carefully tracking what his campaign has been doing in response to his incessant demands. The results are very interesting! Now we're wondering: Is this a campaign that is nothing but desperate? Or do they simply know good advice when they see it and are willing to pay? YOU BE THE JUDGE!

MEMO: "We need coordination and teamwork!" For $20,000 a month, the Gore campaign brought in the synchronized parachuting team The Flying Wedgies. The team is seen here demonstrating their most famous formation, which they're so good at they actually confuse and disorient migrating geese. The Gore campaign has since learned quite a bit about teamwork, but they look kind of strange crawling down the street.

MEMO: "Just walking around on stage is kind of boring, the same old thing every time!" $8,000 a month was all it took to get the services of Bobby and Billy. And now it's a lot more exciting when Mr. Gore rebuts his opponent.

MEMO: "It's nerve-wracking sitting on those stools they give us! What ever happened to podiums?!" The answer is simply to relax and accept it, which of course is easier said than done. But with the wise counsel of Big John Morehide, at only $11,000 a month, the Vice President has started to adjust to the modern debate format. Unfortunately, though, with John's arrival several other members of the team have mysteriously "vanished," diminishing the gains the campaign was making and increasing Big John's gains.

MEMO: "Charisma is half the battle! And we're losing! Call in Maudie!" They were losing – badly – until $19,000 a month brought Charisma Advisor Maudie Frump on board. Just a glance from her can make the gloomiest afternoon seem like an overcast morning. She's such a surprising lady. For example, when this picture was taken, she surprised the photographer. He said, "Smile!" And she said, "I am!" Maudie made headlines a couple of years ago with her breathy rendition of "Happy Birthday, Mr. Vice President" at a White House party.

MEMO: "I can't be too much an alpha male because no one likes a bully!" For $12,000 a month, Republican Gary Bauer's family advises Mr. Gore that it's not always bad to put yourself out front, but first make sure it's where you truly belong.

Gary himself was absent when they took this photo, his place being on the far right, 10th in line.

MEMO: "My answers are all too canned! I need to loosen up and be more spontaneous! Call in Lucy!" A candidate is doomed if he comes across as stiff, staid, programmed, goresque, robotic, and canned. Unfortunately, the thesaurus not only gives these as synonyms for "Al Gore" but translates them into at least five earth languages and gives some kind of strange universal notation in case extraterrestrial beings exist. Enter Miss Lucy, the Gore campaign's most hot-blooded advisor, and at only $21,000 a month. (Her take in petty thievery actually increases her fee to over $25,000). Lucy's advice has been very valuable: "If you got it, flaunt it!" Which is exactly what Mr. Gore plans to do, as soon as he finds out what 'it' is and 'gets it.'

MEMO: "I'm vulnerable on many of my stands. I need to keep my balance or I'm going to fall!" Some people succeed no matter what their handicap, and so they have valuable expertise to share with the rest of us. This fellow was brought into the Gore campaign for only $9,000 a month. His handicap is fairly obvious: one leg thicker than the other.

MEMO: "Can I win the debates? This terrible thought keeps nagging me that no-matter-what-I-do, the other guy will always do better! Send for help!" The key thing, of course, is to believe in yourself. Do the best you can and see how things work out. It might be OK! An easy concept for most of us to grasp, but tough for a few! So the Gore campaign was happy to pay this confident young fellow $13,000 a month for his advice. His advice was really only common sense: Stand tall and proud, dress the part, and keep your head well-polished.

MEMO: "We're dying here! Get me air! Now!" If nothing else works, go for the sympathy vote. At $12,000 a month (paid to his estate), this top advisor shows how it's done.