See all our other "political humor" features here An Elian Gonzalez Miscellaney

LIBYAN CITIZENSHIP DENIED TO ELIAN! ALGERIA TURNS ELIAN AWAY COLD! CUBA AGREES TO TAKE HIM BACK! WITH REGRETS HILLBILLY PSYCHIC PREDICTS ELIAN AS FUTURE PRESIDENTE OF FREE CUBA! Elian Gonzalez, until very recently the boy without a country, may indeed one day not only have a country to live in, but have a country to lead. That is if the predictions of Hillbilly Psychic Happy Fanny hold true! The rotund, pot-sitting seer revealed her findings to Stark News recently. Interpreters of her answer felt the answer was very clear. Since Happy Fanny speaks in figures of speech from hillbilly life, interpretation is necessary. The question was put very directly: Will Elian Gonzalez ever become President of Free Cuba? Her answer: "No reason for concern. Old Doc come out and paid on us his yearly call, and says we're all healthy as horses. Paw asked him what we owe, and he just stomped his foot five times!" is seen as unambiguous. For those interested, the interpretation goes something like this: "No reason for concern" means we are to look for an affirmative outcome. "Old Doc" means we're in close contact with Truth. "Yearly call" means each year that passes will bring us closer to our goal or to the particular matter in question, a reason for optimism. "Healthy as horses" refers to our health, that it resembles the overall health of horses. "Paw asked him" means the matter is in the thoughts of God, therefore a virtual certainty. "Stomped his foot five times" indicates periods of time. It could mean five days, five weeks, five months, five years, or even five centuries. But of course in this case five centuries would not be likely, as then Elian would be 506, well beyond any lifespan we might reasonably expect. OK, he's six-years-old now; so by intuition we will state it this way: 5 x 6. When Elian is around 30 years old, that's when he will be president of Cuba. Oh, the gods! Moses, Cyrus the Great, Lech Walsea, Ronald Reagan, and now Elian! This whole episode was destiny, simple and pure! Computer "Ages" Elian To Show What He'll Look Like in the Future Now Future

10 Ways You Know It's the INS At the Door: 10. Dominoes doesn't deliver at four in the morning. 9. They use a battering ram when the key's under the mat. 8. The Avon lady usually kicks twice, then waits. 7. They've got gas masks and it's not Halloween. 6. They don't stop to ask, "Are you decent?" 5. The protestors outside are frantically rubbing their eyes. 4. Star Wars troopers dress in white. 3. No one's got time for coffee and a chat. 2. You're in the closet minding your own business and someone says, "Make My Day." 1. You're on the phone with Janet Reno and she tells you.

Elian Limericks There once was a man named Lazaro, Who caused Janet Reno such sorrow. She called up to say, I'm coming your way, And I'm not going to wait 'til tomorrow. And then Donato in the closet was hid, Alone there except for the kid. He said just don't breathe, And maybe they'll leave. They knocked down the door and they did. Marisleysis was crying like mad, The government to her was bad. They broke the boy's bed, That's just what she said. And took the kid back to his dad! The people were standing around. And trying to burn up the town. The folks took a pass, When the policemen sprayed gas, And cuffed everybody they found. In the shootings we have everyday, The Republicans always think it's OK. But send in a gun To do what was done. Then they're all saying "No way!" The group there said Juan Miguel, Was simply the father from hell. "He's never been good, A crook and a hood." But somehow his kid turned out well. The folks there all gathered to say, That freedom must be given its day. But tempers then flared, When somebody shared, And didn't agree with their way.

Great Lines from "Marisleysis - The Opera" 10. OK, now say, "Poppa, I don't want to go to Cuba..." 9. Telephone for Elian? I'm sorry, he's in the closet with a fisherman at the moment. 8. It's time to show him to the crowd again, get their spirits up. 7. You don't want to go to school? Well, you're six-years-old, so you probably know best. 6. All they had to do was come and ask us to hand him over. 5. They broke his bed! They didn't have to do that! 4. I saw the Virgin Mary appear in a smudge on my bathroom mirror. That's a good sign, right? 3. It's three o'clock, time for Elian's appearance on the swingset. 2. Don't cry for me, Havana! 1. Don't come in here with the guns! Don't let the boy see the guns! We'll give him up!

Strangest Bits and Ironies 10. That it's a terrible thing to allow Elian to go back to his home country, but no one rushes in to "save" his young brother from going back. The only difference is one came by boat and one came by plane! They've got the same dad. If he can speak for one, why not the other? 9. The Florida congressman who vented his spleen, saying that the photo of Elian and his father revealed that the boy was already being "drugged" in order to control him. The guy mentioned a bandage. How about this alternative scenario, Brainiac? Do you think that maybe in the scuffle that morning that maybe he got a little scrape? Duh. 8. Janet Reno didn't act fast enough. Then she was too hasty! 7. That somebody would think of the brilliant plan: Hide Elian in the closet, maybe no one will think to look there! This place wasn't a 40-room mansion with secret passage ways; it was a two bedroom house. Helen Keller could've found the kid! 6. That somebody would be stupid enough to videotape Elian in the classic hostage pose and expect anyone to believe it portrayed something credible! You could practically see the extra-large ice cream cone coming in the room one minute later! 5. The family says he's been here four months, such a period of time that now he's bonded with us and will suffer trauma if he's taken away from us. Then they propose that he stay longer pending the court outcome! 4. The Miami/Dade mayors who basically spit in the face of the United States government, but then called for the mob to be law-abiding and responsible! 3. Moving Goalposts: "Let Juan Miguel come to the United States, and stand on free soil and say he wants his son!" Then when he did, well, it's not good enough, Castro is still controlling him! 2. The ones who are most for "Family Values" were mostly the ones who wanted to keep Elian from his father. None of them volunteered an answer to the question, what if someone took your kid from you, you wouldn't want him back? So if anybody kidnaps their kids, let's not hear a peep out of 'em! 1. The Republicans want the nation to be armed to the teeth, against any gun control whatsoever. Then they faulted the Department of Justice for assuming there might be a gun in the house!

Desi Arnaz came from Cuba, and he did all right. BACK TO INDEX PAGE ©2000 NegativeSpin.com CONFIDENTIAL TO L.G.: "Let's see, if you work four jobs for the next 65 years you'll probably be able to pay off the attorneys and get your life back on track." E-Mail: tom@hauntedbookstore.com 4-23-2000