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Elian Gonzalez — The Boy Without a Country

 

HE ESCAPED A LAND OF VERY BAD CIGARS

Ever since young Elian Gonzalez broke free from the Communist oppression of Fidel Castro, the world has been entranced by his story. For many, he's the boy without a country. But for a great many more, he's an honored citizen of every country with a heart big enough to understand his insatiable hunger for freedom.

Of course his story goes on, as he is young and has many years ahead of him. But how his story turns out depends on where he spends those years. For those who want him to live in Cuba, there are some good arguments. And for those who want him to live in the United States, there are also some good arguments. The way it all plays out is anybody's guess. (Even if he goes back to Cuba it's not necessarily to stay; he has vowed many times to escape again. His Christmas list says it all: 1998: Innertube; 1999: Innertube; 2000: Trip to Disney World and Puppy; 2001: Innertube.)

Elian knows what he likes and isn't afraid to go after it. More power to you, little brother!

 

NEXT STOP: FREEDOM FROM PERSECUTION

"Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip...."

What kind of 6-year-old boy would grab an innertube and run for the sea? One who feels the oppression of a totalitarian state is the answer. While most children this age are more concerned with going to Little League or keeping track of their lightning bug collection, there are a few who are very politically savvy. This boy is of that sort.

He had the wherewithal to look around Cuba and to decide that Castro was a tyrant. And while it's nearly a certainty that Castro can't live forever, when you're only 6-years-old and Castro's been the only thing you've ever known, it seems like forever. This boy was "up to here" with it, the tapped phone lines, the neighborhood informants, etc., etc., and decided it was time to make his move.

So, with nothing more than an innertube and an indomitable will, the youngster hit the waves and never looked back. His last brave words: "I'm outta here."

 

IN CUBA NOBODY CARES ABOUT HIM

Fidel Castro and his propaganda machine wants the world to think that Cuba really cares about Elian. And so we've all seen the films on TV, purportedly of crowds of thousands, tens of thousands. But there's something very strange about those films. With a little checking, putting the films under a magnifying glass, we noticed some strange film-doctoring or film-editing. There were only about 5 people there! But with computer editing, those five people were duplicated over and over to make them look like an enormous crowd! The clip presented here shows the film in its original state. And as anyone can see, this isn't enough people to start a team for donkey softball.

The truth is: There's barely a soul in Cuba who really cares about Elian Gonzalez. Most of them frankly are glad he's gone, because they don't like complainers there. The only reason Fidel and a few other hotheads are making a big deal out of it is for national pride. They can't stand to see anyone happy, such as the United States, especially if it means one of their own is involved.

 

AL GORE
The Man Has Courage,
Stood Up To Florida Cubans

The debate of course has been picked up in the political arena in the United States. And by and large, there's been only one side, if we exclude the Clinton administration: that Elian Gonzalez should stay in the United States. The sole exception besides the Clinton administration are Elian's Florida relatives, who want him to go back to Cuba.

Well, Al Gore, the Democratic nominee for President, has been among those voices saying that Elian should stay in the United States. And we are very proud of him and the fearless stand he has taken. He is indeed a "profile in courage," akin really to the Iowa fisherman who knows it's illegal to throw back a carp (being a rough fish), but out of mercy for the fish does it anyway. In this case he doesn't want to throw back Elian, but to keep him, so in that way he is different from the Iowa fisherman!

Anyway, it's this kind of fearlessness that makes Al Gore the best candidate for President, one deserving our support all the way!

 

GEORGE W. BUSH
Just Another Half-Assed Politician

And...it wouldn't be politics in a political year without hearing from the other side. In this case that other side being George W. Bush, whose distinct lack of intelligence on every issue has been a real distraction for many of us "in the know." Well, old Braniac is up to his old tricks here, too...big surprise!

George W. Bush also believes that Elian Gonzalez should stay in the United States, which he no doubt "believes" for crass political reasons only. He obviously came up with this reckless scheme only after extensive consultation with his handlers and keepers, as the time hasn't yet arrived when he's come up with a single independent thought on his own. Seriously, the man can't count the fingers on one hand without using the fingers on the other and the toes of one foot!

Well, Gov. Bush thinks the boy should stay, la de dah, oh please tell us more, Durwood. But as everyone knows, Bush's stand is just a craven move, meant to curry favor with Elian's rabid Florida relatives, who'd rather stand and die to the last man than to give up this boy they'd never heard of six months ago. Gov. Bush is thinking about those all-precious electoral votes in Florida and doesn't care a bit about Elian! How base! When a reporter woke Bush to ask his opinion, the governor said, "Not now, I go nappy now."

Here's what we say: George W. Bush's half-assed ideas belong in this toilet designed especially for his posterior!

 

 

OUR EDITORIAL CARTOON:

"RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED" BY THE PUBLISHER, WITHOUT FEAR:



FEARLESSLY PRESENTED AS "FOOD FOR THOUGHT" FOR ALL PARTIES!
WE STAND BY THE MESSAGE PRESENTED HERE, PUTTING ASIDE FEAR!

This is our country! And we remember a time when we were free to present our views without the fear of reprisals in the night! There was a time, a long time ago, when we didn't have to go to bed with a loaded gun as protection against "the man." Those days regrettably are now long gone! Now a man can barely speak his mind. The informants are thick these days. This website has suffered many threats from the man.

Yet we will speak out....and it will be without fear. And in doing so we will grimace and bear the consequences for our action. We say this: do your worst. You may crush us, one man, but you can't crush all of us, E pluribus unim. When one falls, another will arise to condemn your heavyhanded oppression. And when that one falls, another will arise in his place! In the end, freedom will out. Freedom will prevail!

Our editorial cartoon, fearlessly presented, speaks a message that must be heard. This boy – this tender sprout – is being tugged at and tugged at and will be torn! Can his young psyche take it? No! It's going to break him...bad. – One Fearless Reporter's View

We now present another alternative to the United States and Cuba:

We would recommend a neutral third country to give the boy a home, that he might live out his remaining good years in relative peace and freedom. Perhaps Algeria or Libya would be acceptable to all.

 

 

Castro doesn't want you to buy books from Amazon.com,
that filthy communist.

But you'll show HIM. You'll buy all the books you want!

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The half-toilet graphic is from a "novelty" record album from the early '60s.
The Al Gore book in its original state belongs to whoever the publisher is.
The Elian graphic belongs to whoever made it.
The MAD magazine logo belongs to whoever the publishers of that fine magazine are.


E-Mail: tom@hauntedbookstore.com
4-4-2000