Steve Forbes Forsakes Presidential Race (la-de-dah), Fights For His Political Life in New Arena, That Being The Knock-Down-Drag-Out World of Dogcatching

ORBES FOR DOG- CATCHER You hear about the race for dogcatcher every once in a while, but seldom does such a high-level candidate get into the race and make it big news. No, these guys usually are too "hi-falutin'," have too many pretensions, and think they're somehow just "too good" for the down and dirty world of catching dogs. To his credit, not Steve Forbes. Forbes has made it official! He's in the race! He's going for the nomination! He's going all the way! Let the fireworks go: "Ker-boom, sizzle, sput-sput, pop, fitz fitz fitz, fah-luup, krashh, oooh." Send in the marching band: "Dah, dah, dah-dah-dah, dah-dah-day, craasssh, [strut strut]." Drop the balloons: "Float, float, float, float, [jiggle the net], float, float, float some more." Cue the balloon-popping-supporters: "Pop, pop, pop, pop-pop, pop, pop, pop, pop-pop." Roll the heart-warming video: "I believe in a place called ... the dogpound." Dramatic silence with searchlights roaming the hall: "Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, ahhh!" Thousands of flashbulbs popping: "Flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash!" Airhorns by the dozen: "Whhhhuuuuh, whhhhuuuuuhh, whhhuhhhhh, whhuhhh!" The theme music comes on (it's Neil Diamond!} "Everywhere a dog is free, I'm coming to lock 'em up".... Then...a lone, beseeching searchlight flashes around the hall, like its lost! Suddenly it trains itself intently on a door to the absolute left. Then a sudden knowing throng presses in tight around that door and the candidate slowly enters and makes his way toward the stage. Every step is a struggle. "Scream, scream, scream...." Various shouts through the hall: "Steve, Steve, He's our man, If he can't catch 'em, no one can!" The acclamation is almost too much! Forbes laughs and points at various ones with his family. ("1, 2, point left; 3, 4, point right.") Playfully he checks his watch as the adulation goes on. He shrugs his shoulders as if to say, "What can I do?", recalling for all Senator Beveridge's futile reaction to the prolonged demonstration for Theodore Roosevelt in 1912. A big grin tells everyone he's not trying very hard! Finally, Steve is able to call for silence. But the newly-won silence is immediately shattered with a single shout: "Give 'em hell, Steve!" What pandemonium! Then everyone sees Steve on the big-screen mouthing, "I will!" and giving a big grin and thumbs up. Airhorns join the renewed melee. An hour-long demonstration ensues, with various delegates borne on the shoulders of others set in front of Steve to shake his hand and hoarsely shout words of encouragement in his general direction. Three sergeant-at-arms are trampled to death. Steve Forbes looks up to the gallery. "ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, Animal Planet..." He knows, something deep down tells him: "This is it. This is the speech of my political life." He issues a silent prayer, then he speaks... Forbes Announces Bold Theme of Campaign: "I Will Be Watching!" "Thank you for that wonderful, wonderful welcome, my friends..." [snip] "...my undying pledge to you and to every dog is this: "I Will Be Watching!" "I Will Be Watching whenever..." [snip] "And, my friends, I Will Be Watching whenever..." [snip] [snip] "...raises its leg, or sniffs the air, or marks its territory, or finds its release in fervent heat... Then! I Will Be Watching!" [snip] "...forced neutering, spaying, castration, disembowelment, whatever options we have..." [snip] "...Ich bin ein dogcatcher." [snip] "...And so I seek your support. With your help, and with God's, that new day will come, a day when no dog, regardless of breed or pedigree, will ever again be able to run our streets. Thank you, my friends, and may God bless America." CONVENTION "BIG SCREEN" FLASHES FORBES' WINNING CREDENTIALS! "I WILL BE WATCHING!" FOUR WORDS OF VICTORY!

Millions of dollars gone, millions of collars to go. Confidential to Alan Keyes: "You realize you're next."

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