Squeaker, Razor-Thin Edge, By A Thread
Everything seemed to come out Al Gore's way: majority of the popular vote and majority of the electoral votes, but then, thanks to a bare handful of votes, George W. Bush squeaked by him and was elected the 43rd president of the United States.
It seemed like it was forever uphill for Al Gore. He came out of the convention and went a few points ahead in the polls. But soon he squandered his gains when the Republicans tagged him an exaggerator and questioned his credibility. Gore's boast that he alone had parachuted to safety in the Challenger space shuttle disaster raised a few eyebrows. But it was his claim that he had accompanied Jamie Lee Witt to survey flood damage in Texas that clinched it for him when the Bush campaign proved conclusively that Gore had been witless.
The debates were supposed to be Gore's safety net come what may. His reputation preceded him that when it came to debates he had the "gift of gab." His mastery of all things policy was legendary. His 24-year record of public service in every office from dogcatcher to Vice President gave him a little something from every sector to draw on if there should be any uncomfortable pauses or dead air. Gov. Bush's reputation was just the opposite. They said if someone kicked him in the butt and he managed to grimace and grunt, it'd be a stretch. He'd be so stupid that if he thrust out his tongue and chewed it while rolling his eyes we would respond favorably to the improvement.
Then as luck would have it, Gore turned in terrible performances. And Bush, with low expectations, did fairly well.
By the way, those of you out there in America who are so thoroughly fooled by this "expectations game" are idiots. They TELL you what they're doing, for pity's sake! It sounds kind of fake, wouldn't you say? for two guys to say, "I and I alone am the BEST candidate for President!" and then to keep insisting "Oh, my opponent is a formidable debater," "Oh, he's going to make mince-meat of me," and "Oh, if I lose my lunch right there on stage, don't be surprised." And then when he actually does quite WELL, you say, "Wow, he's not as despicably rotten as I thought, so he's the man I want for President!"
Come on, folks, if you have an ounce of brain power, are you really that easily bamboozled by this campaign psychology garbage? ... Ah, well, this probably isn't the time to go into it in any depth...we're sorry. The subject came up, that's all. Maybe you were fooled, maybe you weren't... you say you weren't, but still you act like you were...that's all we're saying. It's kind of natural for us to feel like scolding, under the circumstances. We admit it, we have this one failing, you have all these other failings. So who's worse?
OK, enough enough enough... let bygones be bygones... you voted for the cretin... And we're not here to be all sour grapes, etc., etc. The election's over. We come together as Americans around our new President! Right on!
And so...now we present each man in this great and awesome contest. First {Fanfare and Flourish, Much Bowing and Scraping, singing Hail to the Chief}, the Honorable President-Elect George W. Bush:
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GEORGE W. BUSH Trusts the People, Not the Federal Government; Wants Smaller Government; More Faith-Based Programs; Neighbor to Neighbor Initiatives; "No" to Foreign Intervention; Larger, Stronger Military Trained to Fight and Win Wars; Affirmative Access; Investing Social Security; $1.4 Trillion Tax Cut for Everyone; Prescription Drugs for All; Health Insurance for All; Strengthening Medicare; Strict Constructionists for Supreme Court; Doesn't Even Recall the Name of Dr. Franco... |
THE VICTOR
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PRESIDENT-ELECT New Era of Personal Responsibility; Uphold the Honor and Dignity of the Office; Mercy Killing of Seniors; Education Initiatives; Testing Every Child Every Year; Increased Accountability; Higher Morale Among Fighting Forces; Withdraw USA from NATO Duties; Let Russians Do All the Negotiating; Bipartisan; Reach Across the Aisle; More Pork Spending for Florida; Free Cowboy Hats for All; More Ranch Photos Playing With the Dog; Many Appearances of George H.W. and Barbara... |
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AL GORE Different Character Everyday; Zero Credibility; Serial Exaggerator; Favored Big Government; Trusts the Federal Government Over People; Big Programs No One Wants; Always Ready to Start a New War; Claimed He Invented Double-Sided Toast; Book "Ulysses" Based on Day in His Life in 1904; Takes Credit for Everything; Pedantic, Halting Speaker; Enunciates Words Like Morse Code is His First Language; Growing Bald Spot; Kisses Too Long; Sighs Too Much; Waffled on Dr. Franco... |
THE VANQUISHED
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VICE PRESIDENT Lost His Own Home State; Beholding to Every Interest Group; Not Bill Clinton; Buddhist Temple; Iced-Tea Defense; No Controlling Legal Authority; Insists on Counting Votes; More Interested in Fairness Than Expediency; Reinvented Government; His Own Worst Enemy; Tree Hugger; Ozone Man; Concerned With Environment; Prefers Clean Air; Drinks Clean Water; Attacked Texas; Wants to Whittle Down Military So We're Using Slingshots; Rips Paper Too Loudly; Clandestine Earbud... |
When it came right down to it, the choice was clear and the choice was made! America looked square in the face the possibility that the 21st century might one day be called "The Century When We Saved The Whole Stinking Planet and Everyone On It" and rejected it.
It all came down to Florida. The votes that cascaded so forcefully into our living rooms massed in millions slowed over the course of the evening into huge chunks of hundreds of thousands, then into big clumps of thousands, then into smaller parcels of hundreds, ever diminishing, first into fistfuls of tens, and finally into one lone vote here or there. We began to look at the absentee ballots. It suddenly mattered that 90,000 people voted absentee here, that 50,000 voted absentee there, and so on. The write-in vote became important. We filtered through the littered mess of write-ins, discarding as we went all the frivolous write-ins – Mickey Mouse, Mortimer Snerd, Lamar Alexander, Steve Forbes – that we might get to the last few votes of the final two great contenders. The votes were close then, matching one for one for what seemed weeks. Then weeks dragged on into months. Then finally, not by one or even two votes but by a total of three write-in votes, the verdict was clear: George W. Bush would be the new President! The Republicans declared Bush had a mandate. Bush responded, "No, I'm already married."
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It wasn't abundantly clear exactly where the campaign would wind up, what it'd all come down to. Most pundits zeroed in on the horserace, the personalities, and trivial side issues. The media and the general populace seemed to expend most of their energy on the gaffe or scandal of the day. We had the RATS ad, the Adam Clymer incident, the debate about debates, the mole in the Bush campaign, and on and on. Neither candidate seemed really to excite the masses or to touch the masses' emotions in any fundamental way. But that didn't keep them from trying. In fact, each candidate seemed to rise to the challenge and tried many different strategies, some more successful than others. Govenor Bush spent so much time in the third debate winking at the ladies and leering at their exposed thighs it seemed like he might win it solely by flirtation. Al Gore sought to convey a sense of strength by aggressively taking command of every moment and setting. He was somewhat embarrassed at one point in the debate when a hidden earbud fell out and landed next to the microphone and the whole nation could hear a high-priced psychologist back stage directing him, "Alpha Male!--- On the Scent!--- Red Meat!--- Stage Right!" But, as we suggested, eventually the issues came to the fore. A recalcitrant media heard somebody somewhere – some young fellow – just an average guy except for his clear resemblance to a young Dagwood Bumstead in the '30s and red nose.. On behalf of a dozing nation, he asked, "What about us youngsters?" And that's what finally got things in motion.. People everywhere were suddenly asking, "What about this? What about that?" Then Jim Lehrer stepped in and shook to awakening as many lethargic, dazed media people as he could – reminiscent of Dorothy and her traveling companions finally coming back to sentience when snow fell on the poppies – and suddenly we were into the issues!
The candidates were suddenly out and about, barnstorming across the nation. George W,. Bush stood boldly, brimming with that Texas confidence that's most effective when it simply doesn't know any better. He put it out there, he let it all hang out, his superior grasp of the issues. He used scathing, biting humor, chinking away at the Vice President's mental suit of armor. Enough of this and finally he'd successfully stripped Mr. Gore down to his rhetorical undergarments. A few more jibes and verbal sorties from the sword proceeding from the governor's mouth and Mr. Gore was left cognitively naked and shivering on the issues. An amazed nation was stunned to discover he'd been coloring his intellectual hair all these years! For his part, Al Gore brayed himself hoarse and senseless calling the nation to a new future, a brighter future, and a future of fulfilling the American dream for all. He went into what became a very familiar harangue on Gov. Bush's incredible shortcomings, his spiel promising environmental stewardship, educational excellence, social advancement, and fiscal responsibility. But none of it was to be. Wisely, the nation bitterly scorned and rejected Mr. Gore's mindless prattle, chosing rather the clear, manifest, evident, obvious, demonstrable superiority of George W. Bush. |
So
we bid a fond adiablos
to V-P Gore...
A
man without a state, now seeking Siberian citizenship...
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Don't stand on ceremony, just leave. Don't write, don't call, don't drop in. If you get anywhere a microphone, please secure your earbud in the upright and locked position. You promised you would lead; you didn't; Bush will. Bush has made promises he will keep. Every campaign promise of this man of honor will be fulfilled in the exact way he said. All you could do was harp against Bush and rail against your nation (for not heeding your much pointless braying). So go peaceably and there won't be any trouble. This way to the dumpster. We give ex-convicts a suit and five bucks. We'll give you a hair shirt and dime, so take it and depart, foul despiséd he-devil.
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And so finally we leave Al Gore behind He joins the ranks of those who have tried and failed. Michael Dukakis, Lamar Alexander, Ross Perot, Gerald R. Ford, etc., etc. If someday he becomes a Jeopardy question, that will be his lasting legacy. If nobody gets it right, then he will have received what he truly deserves. He went down, and now he's out. He's on his own. The limo has been recalled, Air Force Two flies over and doesn't even honk. Al Gore is totally, completely, and finally FINIS. .
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Text,
Newspaper Graphiic,
Little-known Election 2000 fact. 10
elderly Republican operatives
E-Mail: tom@hauntedbookstore.com |
The
Issues Mattered
So
now, all of a sudden what mattered were these things: Social
Security, Medicare, Prescription Drugs, Tax Cuts/Tax Relief,
Education, the very divisive Dr. Franco abortion issue, Prosperity,
Paying Down the Debt, Mercy Killing of Seniors, the Supreme Court and
a Woman's Right to Choose (Pads or Pantyliners), and Military
Readiness and Morale.
