LAST DAY OF THE BAUER CAMPAIGN!
EVERYTHING'S GOT TO GO!

We Make Gary Bauer Sick, He Makes Us Sick, Let's All Get Together and Spread Some Germs

riends, we had some really great plans for this page about making Gary Bauer sick. But now, with Mr. Bauer leaving the presidential race, our plans are sunk. We can only put forth the rough outlines of what might have been. With a little more time, a few more graphics, we might have really had something funny. But now...what-might-have-been is a never-was, which as we all know is worse than being a has-been but not very much. Frankly, we took Gary at his word that he would be President. We thought we had all the time in the world to put something together. How many times did we hear him say, "When I am President...."? He didn't say "IF I become President..." He even told us what he would do as his first official act as President: drop to his knees and pray for wisdom. But how can that happen if he drops out instead? It can't happen! We expected at least four years, almost five years. We're beginning to think that maybe he was nothing but a little liar. He got our hopes up only to let us down. So here we sit, brokenhearted... Anyway, the great idea we had this week for a really funny page had to do with the supposed campaign worker in the Bauer campaign who was trying to make Gary sick. Did you hear about this guy? It was reported at Salon.com. Apparently this guy had the flu and was licking door knobs, coughing on telephones, etc., hoping to give Gary Bauer the flu. Because he didn't really like Gary, he was just pretending. So our funny idea was this: to show all these sick, decrepit people who supposedly worked for the Bauer campaign. And to wonder about what they were perhaps up-to. Were they dedicated people who just happened to have life-threatening afflictions, or were they just there trying to make Gary Bauer sick? Guys like this, with a very serious case of chicken pox, or maybe a mild case of some worse problem. We had some funny things about this particular campaign worker's possible nefarious intentions. But with the little liar now dropping out of the race all of our best-laid plans are kaput! You cheated us, Bauer! You know, it's hard to find photos like this, believe it or not. Most people who look like this (not overly photogenic) tend to shy away from the camera's eye. Or you'll see them with their hand up to their face, trying to block the camera. And even when they do allow their picture to be taken it's rare to get your hands on a print. It seems that people out there still have fairly delicate sensibilities and for some reason are repulsed by this kind of appearance. Thanks a lot, Gary Bauer! This poor guy put his face out there for America, for Gary Bauer. He wasn't ashamed! You may think he was trying to make you sick, but is that something you can prove? By the way, this guy is supporting George W. Bush now, in large part because he likes the health care initiatives that G.W. has boldly put forth. He doesn't have much money and has no health insurance, but he believes that with Bush's compassion he'll be well taken care of after Clinton and Gore are gone. But remember, his first choice was Gary Bauer. Gary, can't you reconsider your rashness and stay in the race? Then we had a picture of these three. They seem innocent enough, right? Well, you're overlooking the millions of bacteria marching lockstep out of their mouths on to the food. We thought it'd be funny to "zoom in" on their mouths to the point that you'd see little bacteria with a little bacteria car that looked kind of like the Beverly Hillbillies' car with a sign on its side that said "Gary Bauer or Bust." Our idea was that they are Gary Bauer's food tasters, you see. Since he has people trying to make him sick, what better way than to cough in his food or spit in the skillet. Remember that scene from "Dumb and Dumber," where the guy hocks up a loogey and spits it on one of the hamburgers? That's not "special sauce." It's nothing any one of us would want to eat, even if we were starving. Let this happen a couple times and you'll have paranoia the rest of your life. That's why people who used to work fast-food are always checking their food for press-on fingernails. Back to the three food tasters. Wouldn't it be real ironic if they were actually trying to make Gary Bauer sick? So they taste his food and taste his food, day after day, and then as soon as they're trusted members of the staff...."Oops, that didn't fall out of my nose, did it? Where'd it go? Ohhh, bullseye!" With Gary Bauer now out of the race, these three are out of work. And 40 pounds overweight. Then we had this guy. We took this picture with a telephoto lens, and it was just our good fortune that he appears to be looking at the camera, since we couldn't communicate with him. The lens was so powerful he couldn't actually see us. And more important, he couldn't infect us. You see, he has leprosy. (Pretty cool photo, huh? We're kind of proud of how artsy we made it, cropping it so the bricks are all above him and he's right at the bottom. Adds to the sense of despair in a way that's almost palpable, if indeed it's not palpable.) Now you'd think that a leper would have so much on his mind that he wouldn't be politically active. We were hoping you would suspend disbelief long enough to believe that this particular leper was working for Gary Bauer's campaign. And since we like a little bit of mystery, it would have been left with some ambiguity whether he was there with the intention of giving Gary Bauer leprosy or whether he was truly a dedicated staffer. Bauer, you cheated us! And you cheated this poor soul who didn't do anything to hurt you. Why are you so paranoid? Why are you always checking over your shoulder to make sure a leper isn't within 50 feet of you? What compassion you have, always trying to keep your distance from people! Then we had this sign specially printed up. We thought it'd be funny to combine it with the regular Gary Bauer banners. Somehow it doesn't seem as funny as it did at first, but of course we've had it on our mind for a couple days now. His dropping out of the race is really getting us down. But let us mention the puke green background color. And this blue print that looks kind of anemic up against it. Easy to read but fairly nauseating. We'll end with a picture of Gary himself. He was our hope. But now it's come to this. We're just sick about it, him leaving the race, just when it was getting good. [insert picture, continue lamentation] Bragging about his buddy, the Antichrist What about China? What about most-favored-nation status for those despicable creeps? What about all their missiles going to be launched against our helpless cities? What about the Panama Canal, that long wet passageway with the big long ships? Gary, are you going to give up so easily? Don't you care about where this leaves your country? We're going to be overrun. You've backpedaled on your word! How can we ever trust you or any politician ever again? This is sickening! [note to self] Other funny ideas:   [superimpose over notebook graphic here] Picture of doorknob just dripping with mucous, phlegm ... stage it with shampoo or cooking oil Gary fell of a stage while flipping pancakes. Picture of sabotaged floor, slick spot where someone blew his nose ... consider using shampoo or cooking oil Picture of Bauer on phone, with receiver obviously oozing out something vile ... maybe shampoo or cooking oil would give the right appearance SORRY FOLKS, BUT THAT'S ABOUT IT. . . WE'RE SUNK. THERE'S NO MORE TIME. . . HE SAYS HE'S QUITTING AND THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT. So, that's it.

Ohhhh, I'm feeling terrible...cough cough...spit, sputter.... He said "Sickness" or "Disease"...uggg! Too bad this can't be easier. Come back Gary!

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