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"Nothing
Is Ever Good Enough For Us" - August 1999 |
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Iowa Straw Poll Prospects Republican presidential hopefuls are doing everything they can to get the votes needed to make a good showing in the straw poll to be held Aug. 14 in Ames.
Pat Buchanan is hoping for some troubled farmers, too. His real plight in Iowa is that he needs a plight in order to succeed. His future is probably bright as Jesse Ventura's running mate on the Reform Party ticket. And then, after their loss, back to Crossfire. Elizabeth Dole — same initials as Erectile Disfunction — is counting on the Enviable Distinction of being the only woman candidate to bring in some votes. Even Democrats say an Enthusiastic Display might mean for them Eroded Devotion in 2000. Steve Forbes seems to have the same challenge he had in 1996: there's other people in the race. His glassy-eyed, robotic style is a real winner with voters, until they see someone else. Lamar Alexander has promised to go to all 99 Iowa counties after votes. He's in kind of a bind with his image change: no one liked his old shirt but no one recognizes him without it. Dan Quayle risks being the biggest loser of the field. He was already "a heartbeat away" from being the world's most powerful man. But with a poor showing, his campaign will be the only thing that flatlines. Alan Keyes reappears every four years for reasons no one has yet been able to guess. We expect that we won't hear from him between Feb. 2000 and April 2003, so Alan, take care of yourself wherever it is you go and whatever it is you do there. Gary Bauer gets zero votes, but does receive our sincere respect for not being Morry Taylor.
Gore Campaign Receives Large Water Bill CORNISH, N.H. — Recently Vice President Al Gore, out on a canoeing trip, forgot to take the river. They checked and doublechecked before leaving for his day of adventure: sunscreen, lifejacket, sandwiches, oil for his joints, and of course the canoe. But the canoe turned out to be next to worthless without the river! "We can't canoe here!" one member of his party exclaimed. "It's nothing but dry land!" Then utility officials at the request of the Connecticut River Joint Commission opened a dam and released about 4 billion gallons of water. This made the trip a complete success, and it is reported that Mr. Gore thoroughly enjoyed himself. The day was not complete, however. Mr. Gore decided that he had time to do some fishing, but this had to wait until after lunch. This allowed time for the Department of Natural Resources to stock the river with 54 million fish. Later that night Mr. Gore planned to stay in the area. But crews with their bulldozers were late in arriving, and a sufficient luxury hotel could not be constructed in time.
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One thing that should be beyond dispute is George W. Bush's ability to call forth the best talent. This is seen in his born-again experience, when it took the Rev. Billy Graham to lead the way. Most people have Rev. Graham as a guest at their home only infrequently (if ever), but for Gov. Bush thankfully he was there in his hour of decision. Now it has come to light that this is only one example of Gov. Bush's remarkable connections. Sources cite other examples: Jacques Costeau was often in the Bush home, cleaning young George's aquarium; and even Rudd Weatherwax was once there to lend a hand when his dog wouldn't sit and stay. It seems, however, that young George faced some disappointment. Once he promised his friends that Davy Jones would sing at the prom. But as it happened he could not work it out with Jones' agent.
Among the interesting answers coming from George W. Bush about his alleged past is his refusal to talk about certain aspects of it. He's doing this, he snorts, because one rumor leads to another, and he doesn't want to play that game. His refusal to deny cocaine use is perhaps the most serious matter along these lines presently, as there have been plenty of other issues that he has openly discussed. It reminds us of the following story: A woman was questioned in divorce court. Her husband's attorney asked, "Have you ever slept with a man not your husband in New York?" "No!" "Have you ever slept with a man not your husband in Chicago?" "No!" "Have you ever slept with a man not your husband in Kansas City?" "I'd rather not answer that question!" Some free advice, Gov. Bush: "Just Say No!"
Why does this man want to be President? And if he ever does become President, will he jump out of planes after he leaves office? You can bet on it, according to Dr. Sigmund W. Freud. "Zee son ees following zee fodder," says Dr. Freud, using words like "zee" and "ees" that we don't completely recognize. "Eef George Bush Senior had been a — how-you-say? — a 'catcher of dogs', you see, zee son also would have a big net and white coat." Dr. Freud concluded, "He wants to be president for all the right reasons, to show his parents." |
©1999 NegativeSpin.com
George
W. Bush is favored, if for no other reason than for real estate
purposes alone. Because he spent over $43,000 for a small piece of
ground, a place to put his tent for one day, troubled farmers are
hoping to sell him some unneeded land. As for his expected victory,
the margin is what is really important: like the voters, no other
candidate can be allowed to come close to him.