Bad On-Line Auctions

Bad On-Line Auctions

The Miraculous Angel Picture
A Rare Guttenberg Bible
Jesus Christ's Driver's License
Mark McGwire's 71st Homerun Ball

General Patton Peeing In Rhine River
How To Be Successful at Auctions
Ed's Dirty Underpants

The Pathetic Photography Auction

MIRACLE OF MIRACLES!
THE ANGEL PICTURE!
AN INCREDIBLE SIGHT!
HOLY AND BEYOND BELIEF!

Look in the upper right hand corner,
and perhaps you can make it out,
the FACE OF AN ANGEL!!!!!!

NOT A FAKE!
NOT TRICK PHOTOGRAPHY!
This photo has been verified by several paid psychics.
A beautiful angel's head in the upper right hand corner!
(Look CLOSELY, I think I see The Dixie Chicks, too!)

(And HAPPY FANNY!! -- Hillbilly Fortune-Teller,
The Girl With The Famous Fifth Sense^TM)

The story of the Angel Photograph is this: In 1936 my uncle was returning from World War II. VA (Victory in America) day had just been announced by President Hoover. As he passed a Tyrolian glen in the South Pacific, he clicked the photo you see. He was aboard ship, and there was a lot of back and forth motion. Anyway, he didn't realize what he had until it was developed 2 years later in 1951. For the last 75 years then, the photo has been in a box in his attic. Now we have decided to share it with the world!

The money you spend on this Photograph will be used for another miracle: A neighbor child of ours has several deformed legs. A certain amount of the proceeds from sales of this photo will be used to provide him or her the surgery that he or she so desperately needs! Thank you for reading this, for bidding, for your time, and whatever else you have to offer.

Winners pay postage, to be used for our deformed postman.

A Very Valuable Book

YOU KNOW WHAT A
GUTTENBERG BIBLE IS WORTH?

PLENTY, ESPECIALLY IN HARDBACK.

HERE IT IS, A GENUINE GUTTENBERG!

NOTE THE OWNER'S NAME
ON THE TITLE PAGE:

THE BIBLE PICTURED ABOVE IS IN VERY GOOD CONDITION:
IT IS ACTUALLY FROM 1500 or 1600 or 1978 or WHENEVER
IT WAS THAT
JEFF GUTTENBERG WAS ALIVE AND FOUND THE GOLDEN
BIBLE PRINTING PLATES THAT MORONI SHOWED HIM.

NOTE:
THE INK IS STILL A LITTLE WET, BUT
THERE ARE NO MAJOR SMEARS.

The Mass-Produced Rarity

Can you imagine the look on the Patrolman's face when you display this Driver's License and say, "I'm not under Law, but Grace!"

JESUS CHRIST'S DRIVER'S LICENSE

THIS IS A VERY UNIQUE ITEM, SO UNIQUE THAT THERE AREN'T MANY LIKE IT; I HAVE THE LAST 50,000. GOOD FOR ANY HOLIDAY SEASON, WHO WOULDN'T WANT ONE? HAS THE TEN COMMANDMENTS AND THE MIRANDA RIGHTS ON THE REVERSE!! THESE ARE A HOT ITEM. GET YOURS NOW!! DEALERS WRITE FOR QUANTITY DISCOUNTS, YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY!

No Reserve! Is that a surprise?!

Payment must be received within 10 days of the end of the auction SHIPPING IS 50 CENTS EACH.

This auction generated by Very Holy Relics, Inc.

The Mega-Sports Auction
Remember what McGwire's 70th Homerun Ball was worth?
What if he had hit 71!?

MARK McGWIRE'S
(PROJECTED)
71ST HOMERUN
BALL FROM 1998!

THIS IS EXCITING! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT MARK McGWIRE HIT 70 HOMERUNS IN 1998, RIGHT? WRONG! (At least partially wrong, basically wrong in theory that is...let us explain.) It is a foregone certainty that had the season not ended when it did that Mark McGwire would have hit at least one more homerun in 1998! No one can argue with that. Well now, thanks to some very careful inventory procedures at the Cardinals' organization and the best computer projections, we can say with at least an 94.9% certainty that this is the very baseball that would have been his 71st homerun ball! This takes into account the batting rotation, the average number of pitchs and batters between the rest of the team and Mark. It's the same kind of formula, in fact, that was used to pick the College Football Champion matchups, only it's specially designed for the world of sports collectibles. And this ball has great advantages over the 70th homerun ball in two respects: 1) 71 is more than 70; and, 2) this ball wasn't actually struck by the bat, meaning... it's still MINT CONDITION ALL THE WAY TO THE FENCE...AND BEYOND!

COMES WITH A
CERTIFICATE OF PROJECTED THEORETICAL AUTHENTICITY!

TERMS: If the ball sells for under $1 million, postage will be $4.30 Priority Mail plus insurance (if desired). Free postage for any sale over $1 million (insurance extra).

Watch for Sammy's Sosa's unhit homerun balls, coming up. Other sports collectibles are coming: watch for the uniform that Mark McGwire didn't wear when he didn't hit number 71: it's still MINT CONDITION.

Your Own Piece of History
(Or Your Own Pisse of History)

PHOTO OF
GENERAL GEORGE PATTON
TAKING LEAK IN THE RHINE RIVER

4" x 5" - GREAT CONDITION
FULL OF GOOD COLOR

Buyer pays shipping, $5.40 Priority Mail, plus $1.80 insurance,
$2.00 packing/handling fee, .25¢ listing fee,
$3.00 donation to the "Clean The Rhine Fund";
and other undetermined fees to be determined.

The Most Annoying Auctions: Success Secrets!

How to be Successful with Auctions

GOLDIE THE GOOSE
WANTS TO LAY AN EGG FOR YOU

Hello, my name is R.A. Bidingo and I have bought and sold for almost one year; moreover, I'm a savvy part-time investor. Now I have written a 100+ page book to share my secrets of success with you. My book, Common Everyday Information Anyone Could Figure Out (2nd edition), is for sellers and bidders alike, and will let you go "one up" on your competition, but more importantly it will help YOU become MORE SUCCESSFUL PERIOD! The FACT is that I spent TWO hours only writing this book and made $30,000 in FOUR months selling information that anyone could figure out. No other seller can boast that kind of results, whether out of self-respect or some other personal reason.

MY PERSONALLY DESIGNED "LITTLE MASCOT"
GOLDIE THE GOOSE SAYS,

"I'VE GOT AN IMPORTANT QUESTION FOR YOU:
DO YOU NEED A NEST EGG??

A BEST-SELLER! Hundreds already sold!
** 2nd Edition; Expanded; More Secrets Revealed **
(I still have copies of the collectible 1st Edition,
but you've got to hurry before my dad uses them
for getting the fireplace started.)

5 Bonuses Included; 100% Money-Back Guarantee
Read on...

-----------------------
I have...

1-Almost ONE full year of auctioning experience; did I mention that? Some people take that long to learn to tie their shoes, but not me.

2-Have a feedback rating of almost 300! It pay to ask people till they give in!

3-A university background in liberal arts, training me for research of the sort that takes one into obscure books like almanacs and dictionaries.

4-Sold Common Everyday Information to 100's of happy bidders. What they've done with it is nobody's business!

5-Written TWO different editions of Common Everyday Information, including the collectible 1st Edition (contact me for bulk rate).

6-Made $30,000 PROFIT in four months (2 hours per book)...I think I might have mentioned that too.

"PLEASE CONSIDER ALLOWING METO LAY A GOLD EGG FOR YOU."

"I have purchased 3 separate 'information' books and yours is by far the most informative and valuable of the ones I have read. Now I know how to convert Pacific Time to Central Time." - I. M. Lernin

"KINDLY ALLOW METO LAY AN EGG FOR YOU."

"The book you sent me was the BEST I have ever seen on the subject of common information that I should have known; your list of the 50 states was a fine piece of writing." - Dawn K. Shane

"I HOPE YOU WILL ALLOW METO LAY A GOLDEN EGG FOR YOU."

GOLDIE THE GOOSE
KNOWS THE GREEN!

Could you use $500... $1,000... $2,000... or $5,000 a month? If this is true, read on...

YOU WILL LEARN SUCH THINGS AS.....

NAMES OF 50 UNITED STATES - You can't sell if you don't have a viable target audience! The U.S. may be it!

NAME OF 16TH PRESIDENT - There's some very valuable "memorabilia" out there, and you need to know it! Abe Something.

ITEMS YOU CAN'T SELL - Why waste your time & money listing "table scraps" when they simply won't sell!

DEFINITIONS - Other people know the vocabulary. What does "memorabilia" mean anyway?

ITEMS YOU CAN SELL - Despite "common sense" there is a market for antiques and high quality merchandise!

POSTAL TIPS - Many people won't buy a ton of lead because of postage concerns, but they'll buy a ton of feathers!

ALL-IMPORTANT-TITLE - You need the right words. If it's more than 3 years old it's "RARE".

DO's & DON'T's OF CUSTOMER RELATIONS - Don't threaten negative feedback in the first contact.

POSTING PICTURES- We'll advise you on how many words one picture is worth. It's actually in the thousands!

FACTS & FIGURES YOU NEED - 24, 60, 365. These numbers have to do with TIME, and Time Is Money!

GARAGE SALE SAVVY - When to "talk 'em down" and when to simply pay the dime and be on your way!

VIRTUES & VICES - Contact people within a month of the auction's end, and never write asking them to bid higher!

BUT WAIT!!!... there is more!!!
You also get the 5 FREE bonuses...

PUT PICTURES IN YOUR LISTING IN JUST 5 HOURS! GET A 689+ PAGE GUIDE, THE EASY WAY OF POSTING PICTURES. COMPLETE AND EASY GUIDE NOT ONLY GIVES YOU THE PRACTICAL "HOW TO" (THE ACTUAL FILLING IN THE BLANK); IT GUIDES YOU IN THEORY-AND-PHILOSOPHY, THE HISTORY OF PICTURES FROM THE MIDDLE AGES TO THE PRESENT DAY.

HOW TO ADD MUSIC TO YOUR SITE. WE'LL ADDRESS THE ONE REASON WHY YOU MIGHT WANT TO DO THIS, AND THE OVER 6000 REASONS WHY YOU NEVER SHOULD, AND THEN GIVE YOU STEP BY STEP INSTRUCTION ON HOW THIS IS DONE, SO YOU CAN GET STARTED RIGHT AWAY. THERE'S ONLY ONE PERSON IN A MILLION WHO APPRECIATES IT, BUT THAT ONE PERSON COUNTS TOO!

TWO WEEKS OF E-MAIL SUPPORT FROM ME IF YOU EVER HAVE DIFFICULTY WITH ANY OF MY INFORMATION (WITHIN TWO WEEKS). FOR EXAMPLE, YOU FIND THAT YOU CAN'T PRONOUNCE "ARKANSAS" OR YOU WONDER WHY WHAT YOU DIG UP IN THE SANDBOX JUST ISN'T BRINGING IN THE BIDS YOU EXPECTED, WE'LL GET TOGETHER FOR A PERSONAL CONSULTATION. PERHAPS YOU NEED THE WORD "ORGANIC" OR "ALL NATURAL" IN THE TITLE?

SOURCES OF ONLINE CASINOS AND GAMBLING. SURVEYS FIND THAT MOST PEOPLE DON'T ALREADY HAVE ENOUGH TROUBLE IN THEIR LIVES, BUT THEY ACTUALLY NEED MORE. IT'S LIKE THEY SAY, THE OYSTER NEVER MAKES A PEARL WITHOUT SOMETHING CONSTANTLY IRRITATING IT AND MAKING ITS LIFE MISERABLE. IF YOU NEED THIS FORM OF ADDICTIVE BEHAVIOR AND A DEADEND LIFE, YOU'LL HAVE IT!

PLACES TO GET A FREE E-MAIL ADDRESS. DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU COULD GET A FREE E-MAIL ADDRESS? WELL, IT'S TRUE. AND WE DON'T WANT TO GIVE AWAY THE STORE BY REVEALING TOO MUCH HERE, BUT ONE OF THEM IS CALLED "HOTM**L.COM" AND ANOTHER IS CALLED "Y*HO*.COM". BUY THE BOOK AND THIS INFORMATION WILL BE YOURS AS A VERY VALUABLE AND RARE BONUS!

GOLDIE THE GOOSE ASKS,
"MAY I LAY AN EGG FOR YOU
TODAY?"

I thank you for your time in reading this listing.
Happy Bidding!

LET GOLDIE THE GOOSE
LAY AN EGG FOR YOU!

This package is not endorsed, licensed or supported by in any manner by any auction service. Any support needed to understand common sense and basic information such as what-are-the-50-states or is-boiling-water-possible will be provided by the vendor.

The mark , its representation in various sizes (from an iota to a billboard), the words "Goldie The Goose", "Goldie The Goose Wants To Lay An Egg For You", "Goldie The Goose Asks, May I Lay An Egg For You?, anything concerning "Goldie the Goose" and her stated desire to lay an egg for you or any other party, "goose" and "golden egg" and/or any combination of a goose being trailed by a golden egg or a golden egg being preceded by a goose and/or a golden egg with a dollar sign in it and a goose without a dollar sign in it, trailing and/or preceding one another or one above or below the other is copyrighted, trademarked, and all rights are strictly reserved.

....And Of Course A Man's Dirty Underwear

FOR SALE: ED'S DIRTY UNDERPANTS

Hello my name is Edna, I need extra cash so I am selling my husband Ed's stuff. He is dumb and doesn't care and leaves all his stuff lying around. So I will sell anything of his not put away. He needs the money also so he says go ahead, if I leave it out you can sell it. So help me teach him a lesson. This pair of drawers needs to go! He has thrown these on the floor for the last time. I have not even washed them but will if requested. I don't know what goes on in them but they are nasty. They stink in all the "right places," I've been told, whatever that means. He sits there in his chair picking and letting go and sounds like a boot stepping on hard snow on a quiet night, and he has worn them for days, yuck! And for the last time. Please take these off my hands. I will be selling all his stuff that he leaves out and some of mine too. So keep checking my ads. Thanks, Edna.

P.S. THE LUCKY PERSON NEEDS TO PAY 2.00 SHIPPING.

1-Almost ONE full year of auctioning experience; did I mention that? Some people take that long to learn to tie their shoes, but not me.	2-Have a feedback rating of almost 300! It pay to ask people till they give in!
3-A university background in liberal arts, training me for research of the sort that takes one into obscure books like almanacs and dictionaries.	4-Sold Common Everyday Information to 100's of happy bidders. What they've done with it is nobody's business!
5-Written TWO different editions of Common Everyday Information, including the collectible 1st Edition (contact me for bulk rate).	6-Made $30,000 PROFIT in four months (2 hours per book)...I think I might have mentioned that too.

NAMES OF 50 UNITED STATES - You can't sell if you don't have a viable target audience! The U.S. may be it!	NAME OF 16TH PRESIDENT - There's some very valuable "memorabilia" out there, and you need to know it! Abe Something.
ITEMS YOU CAN'T SELL - Why waste your time & money listing "table scraps" when they simply won't sell!	DEFINITIONS - Other people know the vocabulary. What does "memorabilia" mean anyway?
ITEMS YOU CAN SELL - Despite "common sense" there is a market for antiques and high quality merchandise!	POSTAL TIPS - Many people won't buy a ton of lead because of postage concerns, but they'll buy a ton of feathers!
ALL-IMPORTANT-TITLE - You need the right words. If it's more than 3 years old it's "RARE".	DO's & DON'T's OF CUSTOMER RELATIONS - Don't threaten negative feedback in the first contact.
POSTING PICTURES- We'll advise you on how many words one picture is worth. It's actually in the thousands!	FACTS & FIGURES YOU NEED - 24, 60, 365. These numbers have to do with TIME, and Time Is Money!
GARAGE SALE SAVVY - When to "talk 'em down" and when to simply pay the dime and be on your way!	VIRTUES & VICES - Contact people within a month of the auction's end, and never write asking them to bid higher!